What to do, what to do...

So there you are, in your apartment trying to enjoy some nice TV when all of a sudden this insane banging threatens to drop the ceiling in from the apartment above. Your neighbor is getting lucky in a big way, but it's annoying for you because one, you AREN'T getting lucky, and two, you are just trying to watch some nice TV.

What to do, what to do...

First, don't bang on the ceiling, or go up and interrupt. That would set the stage for a bunch of badness that you will never recover from. Remember, god likes it when we orgasm and if you mess it up for something petty like watching TV, your genitals will fall off.

Do something creative. Go up immediately afterwards and offer them a plate of cookies. Or Gatorade, that would be very appropriate after something like that. If you have friends with you, score the event then go upstairs, knock on the door, and flip up the score cards.

Or go up afterwards and see if it's your turn yet.

See, there are lots of possibilities.

Haloween Costumes

I had a couple of good ideas for Halloween costumes this year. My first idea was to dress up as the Easter Bunny and go around with my basket of eggs and yell at people to "EAT MY EGGS DAMMIT! EVERY YEAR YOU TAKE THEM BUT YOU NEVER EAT THEM YOU LITTLE FUCKERS! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH TIME I SPEND MAKING THESE DAMN THINGS! ARRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!" Then when the kids run away I'd chase them and throw my eggs at them. Before you get all up in arms, it would be plastic eggs filled with candy, so that would make me a giver right?

The other idea I had was to dress up as a monkey. I figure you can get away with a LOT of crap if your dressed up as a monkey right? I'd carry around a lot of unwrapped Baby Ruth's and chuck them at people that pissed me off. I could hump anyone and anything I wanted too and people would be all, "Wow, that guy is really into the monkey thing."

Another idea I had would be to dress up as one of the 5 forgotten dwarfs. That would be good if you went as Herpy. You could hang out with an ex of your and tell everyone that meet that you are part of their package. I don't know how you'd dress up as Danny Devito, but that would be cool if you could pull it off. Did I post that blog entry about the 5 dwarfs? Shit, if I didn't this won't make any sense... Crap, I'm thinking and typing, and I can't stop! MARGRET THATCHER NUDE!


ok, that worked for that problem too. Need to remember that.


If I REALLY wanted to dress up in a scary costume I would of course dress up as a drunk carny. Yes, I know that is an oxymoron, but there it is. Then you could cuss out all of the little kids for running around, drink a little ripple out of a paper bag, and hurl corn dogs at people that mock you. Jeez, like a monkey you could get away with a lot things with that costume too.

These seem kind of boring though. What would be really spectacular? Giving out candy as Michael Jackson? That would be just plain wrong and not very funny. Although if you went as Michael Jackson, and a friend went as a catholic priest, that would be funny to see people's reactions.

I heard of someone dressing up as garden gnomes for Halloween. I wouldn't advocate that. That's a good way to get yourself shot, or hurled at random other things.

I could dress up as Oscar the Grouch! Wait, that might traumitize the little kids... I'm not cool with that.

Now going out with a friend as gay Bert and Ernie...

I'm now the head of the ACLU

You heard it hear first! I am now head of the ACLU. My job is to help direct the fight against injustice brought forth deranged carnies. As head of the Anti Carny Leagues United I will direct the coordinated actions to subdue the carnies nefarious plans to take over the world. It's a proud moment in my life! We will work on better armor against corn dog grenades. The days of fearing the toxic breath of a drunk carny are limited.

The F-Bomb Post

I love the word Fuck. It is so versatile. It can mean Holy Crap! What the heck was that!? Did you see what the chick did to that midget! I think I love the word Fuck so much because in writing it out, it pretty much always requires an exclamation point as punctuation. So there you go, another great insight into the fucking mind of a fucking idiot. Kind of like looking at some weird fucking shit in a fuckhole of a drainpipe and discovering the fucking fuckness of all. And you can kiss my ass, I'm copyrighting the term (fuckness of all) AND the (fucking fuckness of fucking fuckall) so if you use it, pay up you fuckers.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

I think my new WTF is Holy Fucking Donkey Dicks. It rolls off the tongue well, and it's just plain fucking fun to say. To be honest, I don't say it out loud often as I don't think the world is ready for it. Fucking pussies.

Which reminds me, Pussy is a GREAT name. I know of many lovable cats and kittens with that name. You fuckers have your mind in the gutters. Course, so do it, and I wasn't really referring to cats. I'm not good with boundaries when I've had a few, and my wife isn't around to keep me under control. :)

Maybe Ted Kadzinsky Had The Right Idea

You know, life can be really complicated. With technological wonders and empowerment comes new responsibilities and obligations. Now it has been proven that people do not do near as well at tasks they focus on individually versus tasks they handle in a multitasking fashion. So technology is just an enabler of an inefficient multitasking state of being. Why do we need this? I'm not necessarily referring to the technology, but to the multitasking/sense of urgency/pressure that comes with the power of technological tools like PDA phones and computers.

(I have a real beef here, but it's hard to communicate when you've had a few. HEHEHE, I said hard.)

Shit, now I'm off that train of thought and into the land of holy anarchy. Maybe if I reread what I wrote, I can get back on track...

Oh yeah, the rushing around, trying to look busy state that most of us are in to get things done and/or LOOK like we are getting things done. Honestly, culturally we need to put more emphasis on critical thinking and taking time to consider our choices and to really comptemplate what choices others make. There is too much hurrying in life nowadays.

So take a chill pill. Have a drink or two. Or three (heck go crazy if you can). Then realize that rushing doesn't help you out, but only creates new problems that will take up your time.

Then go have some good sex, because that also tends to put things in perspective. AND it makes you feel good. AND I, like everyone on this planet whether they admit it or not REALLY LIKES SEX. Remember, orgasms are God's way of proving you're doing it right. Multiple orgasm's are God's way of saying "WAY TO GO DUDE!" Because that's how God rolls. GUY PERSPECTIVE: you know that one time (not neccessarily at band camp, but we'll take it if it applies), where you had that surprise second orgasm that kind of scared you? Yeah, that's what I'm talking about! I don't know how or what would apply from the female perspective except that most women seem to top out at 5 or so orgasms (they seem to run together a bit so it's hard to tell..,. ]:P). Maybe there is an amazing and fabulous SIXTH orgasm? If so, please mention that, like yelling "OH MY GOD, FUCKING SIXTH ME YOU BAD ASS MOTHERFUCKER!" or something along those lines. Communication is the key to happiness right?

OH!!!! I came up with ANOTHER reason to legalize prostitution! I know, I know, I really don't need another reason. But how about this one:

Legalizing prostitution will help people seperate sex from love.

I know! It's one of those DUH things isnt' it! And if anyone has a problem with that, just answer me this... You love your kids/siblings/parents right? Why don't you have sex with them? Because sex and love are NOT the same you dumbasses!!!! Unless you live in the south with a family tree that is a straight line (or a circle, or a dot due to new genetic manipulation abilities). So get over your robot programming and realize that if "God" wanted us to be super careful with who we have sex with, he would make orgasms much, MUCH harder to obtain. And masterbation wouldn't do nothing. Actually, now that I think of it, animal and kiddie porn are reasons to NOT believe in god. Of course God fearing people just claim that those things are caused by "Satan". Being a gnostic (which I can just barely get too from agnostism), that does't really work out for me.

I have no idea what I am saying

No seriously, I have no idea what I am saying right now. All I know is that it's taken me 5 minutes to type these two lines because I have to constantly hit the backspace key.

I'm not feeling very coherent either. I think I have what ADOST (Attention Defict OH SHINY THING) going on.

I am getting ready to go on a trip (not carny related) soon, and it involves camping. Camping is a lot of fun, but being disconnected from the internet for a week is stressing me out, and I'm not even disconnected yet. Hopefully it will turn into a zen experience.

Peace and love all. And I mean physical love, go have sex! Stop reading this and get LAID!!!

Drunken Haiku

Mean people suck

Carnies swallow and gargle

That's how bad they are dude.

Drunken Farmers

So a friend and I were talking about farming and the hot and hard work of doing small farm haying and harvesting. He was telling me about how when he was a teenager, they used to have a nice cold beer (or two, or three..) to help offset the heat of haying and harvesting. By late in the afternoon the guys driving the tractors were swerving in the fields and the guys driving trucks weren't doing a lot better. And if anyone was getting bent out of shape by that, it was "the heat talking", and "why don't you have another beer to cool down".

That got me to thinking, wouldn't it be hilarious if a county Sheriff tried to pull over some guy driving a combine out in the field. I could just see the Sheriff yelling over the loudspeaker to "Pull over or I will shoot out your tires you son of a bitch!" If the guy did get pulled over, it would give new meaning to "Field Sobriety Test".

Can you imagine the conversation that would be?

Farmer: stepping down unsteady from the combine with a lot of empty beer cans falling out with him, "what was I doing Sheriff, speeding?"

Sheriff: "Son, you just mowed down three fencelines and Old Lady Wilkenson's cat you son of a bitch" (All Sheriff's love to use the term "son of a bitch". I know this from watch lots of 70's movies)

Farmer: giggles

Sheriff: Shoots the farmer because he was "resisting arrest"

The End

Bathroom Graffiti

So I'm not technically drunk, but I got a buzz on, and that's the best you can do with Bud Light. :)



So the other day I was in the bathroom at a grocery store, when I looked up and saw this.





Many thoughts passed through my head after seeing this:


"So is it OK with god if I masturbate in other bathrooms?"


"Would I get to pick the three kittens?"


"You know, I don't really like kittens all that much anyway."


"Who or what gets it if I do something more than masturbate?"


"If I masturbate twice do SIX kittens die?"


"You know, I don't really like kittens all that much anyway."


I had that thought twice, if you are keeping track. Anyway, at some point I decided that since I'm either A, a gnostic, or B, an agnostic, this graffiti didn't mean shit to me, but a way to mentally masturbate (so to speak anyway), and I wonder if any kittens die if you even just think about it.


You know, if god is against masturbation, does that mean god is pro-prostitution or just that the whole concept of monogamy is a cultural affectation for us? (re-reading this, I realize that I did some big jumping ahead here, but I don't care)


OH! Maybe instead of "combing our hair" you can say "I'm killing the kittens" as a code phrase for masturbation. Seriously, try it out next time someone is pounding on the bathroom door. Five bucks says it will get whoever is pounding on the door to stop bugging you and leave you to our own pounding.


Yep, as always I'm a giver of ideas and enlightenment.


You know, "American beer" may not be as strong as "micro brews", but if you drink enough, you still get to the "how the fuck did I end up here" phase of drinking. Which is where I am now.


And for one reader out there, I would like to point out that I didn't mention my penis once in this blog, and this sentence doesn't count.


Remember, orgasms are gods way of telling you did it right(but if you did it alone, apparently that kills 3 kittens).

WTF!!!!

How the hell did I end up back here!?

SHIT!!!!!

I thought I had gotten all of that crap out of my system. Apparently not. Man... It's not like anyone reads this. I don't know why I bother. Well, I bother because of selfish reasons, but still.... That's subconsious so I don't know why still, the fact, that I bother at all, putting up these posts, in the insanely grammatically incorrect way that i do;

I had a twitter spoof for you, but I am too lazy to post it. And cantankerous. Cantankerous doesn't need a salve like you would think, but it does need a freaking bar or liqour store within walking distance of the hotel that it is staying at!

I am wiped out, and busted. For being a fraud. For causing stress. For being an AGENT OF CHAOS, YEAH BABY!!!!!

Remember Confusious say, don't run out of good drink or you will suffer.

FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCK FUCK FUCK

blah blah blah

aldskhfoiYQE9IRHFKWEBRLKWBEFLKQWBEFR

And unlike real life, I don't get paid per inch....

I WISH though!! I'd be a freakin millionaire!

This Post Ends with the line "Madden Assfish 09"

So I found out recently that a friends Chinese astrology animal was a pig. My first thought that it was lucky she wasn't Yiddish because that would be a little bit awkward. Then I was thinking that my sign/animal is a horse, which makes sense since I am hung like one. Then I was thinking that it would be weird if your sign was pig or chicken because people eat pigs and chickens. So you would kind of be eating yourself. Which is just whacked out and only carnies can do that. THEN I had this weird train of thought from eating yourself, to John Maddens weird Thanksgiving carnylike creations like Turducken.

Crap

I don't know how I was going to end up with "Madden Assfish 09".

P.S. That worked

Honk's $1.00 Store

So there is this store in Lewiston, ID called Honk's $1.00 store. Their tagline was something like, "There is an adventure every time" or something really close to that. I couldn't get to my camera to take a picture, but it is there, not to far from the fairgrounds. Anyway, I think their tagline should have read, "come get honked for a buck". Yes, I know, I am a marketing genius. I kind of want to go back there and see what the store is all about. Is it some kind of cheap ass clown whorehouse? Do I WANT to get honked? Do they practice safe honking there? Maybe that's why it's only a buck. They probably have a lot of people getting Clown Crabs, Clown Clap, or some Clown shit like that. If something happened that was bad enough they could take you to the hospital in their clown ambulance which is the size of a Mini, but they somehow fit you and three Clown EMT's in it.

I saw another funny named store in Walla Walla, WA. It was a record store called Hot Poop. Here is their website: http://www.hotpoop.com/home.html.

On another note, we bought some Vigara Root Stimulator today at Home Depot. That's good marketing right there. I wonder what it tastes like? Just kidding!

I Ate a Squirrelburger

I love misleading headlines. I did eat a squirrel burger today, but it didn't have any squirrel in it. I'm not sure why they called it a squirrel burger either. It was a burger with a slice of ham, a fried egg, lettuce, tomato, cheddar cheese, swiss cheese, and this amazing honey mustard sauce. It was AWESOME! I was nervous trying something like that, but I am oh so glad I did.

This was at the Calapooia Brewry in Albany, OR. If you are ever anywhere even near Portland, make the 45 minute trip to this great little pub. It's not in the best looking neighborhood, but their brews are pretty freaking amazing, the people that hang out there are great, and the food knocked my socks off.

OH! So I am on a little mini vacation with my beautiful wife watching a couple of horse show events. Guess what I saw yesterday. Carnies! I keep telling you they breed like rats. That's probably a survival mechanism for them though since the average life span of a carny is around 42 years since they all eat a horrible diet, drink a lot of cheap booze, don't bathe (unless they are part a dunk tank scam)(which almost never happens), and smoke crack. I was wondering if they are only born with 12 teeth, but then I realized that it's probably do to their lifestyle choices.

The Banana

So I did a bunch of running around today, and at one stop, when I got out of the car I noticed something. I noticed a banana places almost perfectly under the tire of the car parked next to me. Now that got me thinking that maybe I should move my car, because if this car's owner doesn't see the banana and then takes off, they could spin out of control and hit my car. Anyway, so I'm standing there just looking at it for a few minutes, asking myself if I should take a picture just in case I do get hit and have to go to court. I didn't take the picture because I realized that the car had studded tires and I figured with the awesome added traction there was no way the car would spin wildly out of control and smash into my car.

Still, it got me to thinking as I went into the store, "Who put the banana there?" Was it a domestic dispute? A clown terrorist attack? I still don't know. Anyway, as I came back to my car after getting a new tube of toothpaste, I walked around my car and checked to make sure that there were no banana's waiting to take me out as I drove off.

Yo!!!

Sorry for the long time between posts, but some of my undercover work against the carnies can take a long time. And the carnies are severe anti-technologists, so I can't access the Internet and do any blog posting while undercover. Honestly, it's amazing to me sometimes that they use electricity. If they had their way, technological progress would have peaked at steam power. It's like they are half Amish. Ooops, no offense to the weirdo Amish people. Not that I need to apologize since they won't be reading this blog as acknowledging this post would be a violation of their organized religion. HA! I love using the proclamations of organized religion against them!!!! WOOHOO!!!!


Anyway...


So my son, god bless him, learned about phlegm the other day. He was sick and coughing a lot, and while we were watching TV (Eureka season 2) he coughed up something in his hand. My wife told him that it was some phlegm and that he needed to wash his hand. He got off the couch and looked at his hand in wonderment and then said loudly ," Sweet! I coughed up some phlegm!". Five bucks says I could now wrap that up and give it to him as a birthday present and he would love it. Kind of like gravel.




Repost insert!!!!!!!!!!!

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The Official Agent of Chaos Survey






Pick a number between 1 and 50: 23


When was the last time you farted?About 3 minutes ago. Writing while sober makes me gassy.


When was the last time you farted and you were afraid you might of crapped your pants? About 3 minutes ago, I think I had some bad fish.


When was the last time you farted and DID crap your pants? Maybe 3 minutes ago, I'm afraid to check


Have you ever kissed a carny? And experienced that wonder mix of flavors of Marlboro Red and Mad Dog 20/20? No thank you.


When was the last time you said a cuss word?About 3 minutes ago when I thought I might have lost control of something.



What was the cuss work you said last? Oh fuck.


What is your favorite cussword?Fuck and all of it's derivatives like Fuckity Fuck. The Chile Peppers version of fuckity fuck fuck, fuckityfuckity fuck fuck is a good one too.


Do you pick at your toes when you take your socks off? Oh yeah, I hate toe lint.


What do you think a carny smells like up close? A mixture of Sterno, 3 day old sweat, and bad gingivitis


Do you keep your fingernails and toenails in a jar like Howard Hughes? You never know when they will come in handy.


Do you prefer compact florescent light bulbs or incandescent light bulbs? LED bulbs.


Mild, Medium, Hot, or OMG Salsa? OMG Salsa, life is to short to wuss out.


The answer to the first question is 23, did you get it right? Fuckin A!


Have you ever snorted coke on the back of a toilet? Yes.


If you answered yes, what the fuck is wrong with you and are you over it? It was part of an undercover anticarny job I was doing. The carbonation and sugar killed my sinuses, but it got me into their clan the weird fuckers.


Is there any food that you think you could eat your weight in? Vienna sausages. JK, my chicken Chile.


If a carny and a garden gnome had a "baby", what would it look like? Dick Cheney


Do you always make sure your partner "Gets their cookie too"? Only when I'm eating Chinese. JK, yes because then you know you did it right.


Have you eaten paste lately?Noff, I woldf neffer do 'hat.


When did you stop sniffing glue? You think I stopped? How the hell do you think I come up with this shit?


Do your parents know that you practice sever S&M? Where did you think I learned some of my "moves" and "techniques"


What is the safety word? Oklahoma of course!


Now that we are ate the end, let's all join in a nice round of: OKLAHOMA, OKLAHOMA, OKLAHOMA!!!!!!

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Oh yeah!!!!!!!


I so love that questionnaire. I've re-read it like 20 times and it still cracks me up!!! Honestly, I'm not kidding. I can't make it to the 3rd or 4th question without cracking up.


I just discovered something interesting about my admittedly unique typing "technique". I can't just use the mouse to move to cursor back into a sentence that I have typed out to add or delete a word or two in(to) a sentence that I have laboriously (and most likely drunkenly) (like now)typed out. No! That would be way to easy! I must ALWAYS use the backspace key to erase everything that I have written and start afresh as if I am talking to you, the reader.

(Deep breath here)

It's time for me to own up to a deep and dark secret. This is a deep and very cathartic experience for me.

I am a "Brass Bonanza" addict.

There was this radio show who in an effort of making fun of the NHL (National Hockey League) strike a few years back (honestly, it's kind of pathetic that Ishould at this point, point out what "NHL" stands for which is in itself kind of sad). This radio show decided to play "Brass Bonanza) everyday for a couple of minutes in "protest" of the hockey strike and how stupid it was for the struggling professional hockey league in America. I liked this radio show, and tended to catch it often in my driving. So, one thing led to another, and I got hooked on it. I didn't mean too, it just sort of happened. And the first step in dealing with a problem or addiction is admitting it right? So I am coming out and admitting that I am addicted to "Brass Bonanza" (and sex) and I am not sure which step is the asking for forgiveness or apologizing step, but I would like to skip to that step right now and ask for forgiveness from you, the reader of this blog (about the Brass Bonanza thing, not the sex thing). And here is what I am addicted too:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zDKSpEfPOTo

Oh, I must have clicked on the above link 4 times while writing this post and the endorphins are a flowin'!!!!!!!!


I spent too much time on that, now I forgot where I was going. Which must mean it's time for another beer!!!!!


Speaking of which... This post is unofficially sponsored by:






Which comes from one of the AMAZING breweries from the NW, which is The Pikes Brewing Company (which behind (or at least somewhere REALLY close) in an alley is the wall of gum wads which I was lucky to experience but unlucky to be able to contribute too)(but there is always next time!)(Spring break 09!) One of my dreams is to have crazy drunk sex at The Pike Brewing Company brewery. While drinking one of their MANY fine beverages, includding Kilt Lifter Ale (AWESOME!)(which brews (Kilt Lifter) name makes me HOPE that Scottish women wear kilts also, and even if they don't I'm going to believe in that, and don't burst my bubble on this one God Dammit!) Kilts or any skirts without underwear is REALLY hot ladies...

Ok, gotta catch my breath.

OH! So if you haven't figured it out yet, I HATE/LOATH/WISH TO DIE/WANT TO CRUSH INTO OBLIVION/WOULD LOVE TO WIPE OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH/WISH THEM TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH DICK CHENEY/HAVE TO ATTEND A POETRY READING WITH GEORGE BUSH/HAVE A RED HOT POKER STUCK OF THEIR ASS LUBRICATED WITH ACID... Hmmm... I ranted so long I forgot what I was ranting against... Hold on a sec, let me back up a bit and reread what I have written...

OH YEAH! I hate internet website squatters! I would like to work with blogging using the website http://www.trainofthougt.com/ but it is being (AB)used by a carnie/gnome like internet domain squatter. I wonder which level of hell those fuckers occupy. $5 says that they are being "entertained" by Beellzeebub (Dick Cheney) himself. Probably "hunting"... Serves them right the crass loser jackass motherfuckers! OK! TIME TO TAKE MY BLOOD PRESSURE MEDS!/BUY A LARGE MACHINE GUN WITH A LOT OF BULLETS/IT'S A TOSS UP!"

Time out... Time for another wonderfull beer.


That would be the other unofficial (and cheaper) sponsor is:




Which isn't bad for cheap beer!


Oh my god! I just felt like a beer snob!

Ok, I'll be honest with you. If it has alcohol in it, which means I am game to try it. I must admit to trying to get drunk on Kahlua at least 3 times in my life, but I always hurl before I get drunk (apparently the 3rd time IS the charm).



JESUS CHRIST IT'S SNOWING AGAIN!!!!



OK, that's it! Mother Nature is a flaming cunt! YEAH! I said it! I'm tired of the bitch and this shitty weather. Dammit! I can't afford to move to Hawaii! I want that environment to move to me instead! Let's face it, it's a lot cheaper for me to buy a few thousand or so aerosol cans to empty into the atmosphere than it is for me to buy (and travel too) a place in Hawaii! If all of us in the northern latitudes band together we can do this! How many of us have complained about the weather!? Together, we can change the world for the betterment of our personal lives!!!



Phew, I need to get that off my chest about this time every year...



I think I am going to start a group of pop culture websites. I think there might be money in the webutainment business. I'm not sure how, but I think I can be a part of the creative process. I have ideas.



Of course I must admit that porn is the ultimate profit maker in the internet economy, but I don't know how I (and my 10" crowbar of lovin') can really make any money in that sector. I've spent a lot of time researching Internet porn, and I don't know if there is a channel or method that hasn't been run spread uber thin already (unlike my uberthick cock).



If I was in a western movie my name would be Big Dick McQuade.



Ok, I'm outta here. Remember a few thing for me? One, orgasms are gods way of proving that you are doing it correctly. And two: Drink green beer on the 17th (and at least TRY to have green eggs and ham ((honestly a little bit of green food coloring won't kill you once a year))).



Now, get busy on working on that first thing!

P.S. I'm starting a new church. It's the first church of orgasm, and I am going to be the chief potentate. I'll even wear a phallic hat kind of like to Pope to help us (the church) gain legitimacy.

I wonder what the difference is in the amount of endorphins released by sex is versus the amount of endorphins released by laughing is... I might have to change it to the first church of sex and giggles...

Why is it that people that are heavy into any religion repress sexuality and happiness in general?

OK, I can't end a post on that note...

AH! I just ate a homemade chocolate chip cookie. It's pretty close to the feeling of satisfaction you get when you go down on someone and while they are orgasming and you (probably/shouldn't be/aren't) getting "your cookie"... You are making sure someone else is and THAT is a very good thing. We all (including myself) make a big deal of getting off, but the REAL power is in getting someone else to that state of orgasm. Give versus take. The more people willing to give, the more people that receive...

Holy shit...

If the Pope blesses his poop does that make it, well, holy shit?

I've taken many IQ tests and I am proud to say I am retarded!

But retarded compared to what.

Oh crap! I don't know how to end this post!!!!!!

This is why I don't like drugs in general. Not because of how they make me feel, but because I can't get off of the "trip" or "ride" whenever I want too... Is there a drug that can do that? Wouldn't that be fascinating? A drug with a kind of safety word? Oh man, wouldn't that be cool!?!?!?!?!?



Yeah, I'm a giver

Weird Things pt 1

Crazy/weird things that are true:

I've been handcuffed to a blow up doll

The ring bearer at my wedding was a dog

The best man at my wedding was a woman

I think I ran over one of my best friends in high school

I'm not always drinking when I write on this blog

I've technically have gone to 3 colleges yet have no degree

I once wrote a suicide note for a garden gnome so I wouldn't get blamed for his death. I didn't work.

I have given a mooning garden gnome as a gift

I once went gambling with $5 playing nickel keno, and won $5 with my last nickel

I laugh at inappropriate moments

I was in shock after getting hurt and repeatedly on the way to the my parents house would wake up, ask where I was, then sing a song about an ugly duck that got run over by a truck

Tonight I heard , "Oh jeez! India puked on her weasel" and realized that I'm not the weirdest person in the house.

I'm not dying

But I think I know how I am going to die when I do. I think I am going to have a titanic brain aneurysm where the blood comes out my ears. I do seem to have a good ability to spike my blood pressure pretty high and pretty fast, which ain't pretty. So that's the basis of why I am going to die that way. That, and I don't think that my death will be a fizzle, "oh he's gone now." kind of thing. It's not my style. It's going to more like, "Holy shit what the fuck happened here did some crazy carny shoot him in the head! Fuck! There is blood everywhere! Someone call the cops!" Jeez, knowing my luck it will happen while I'm on the toilet with a Playboy (for the articles) with my pants around my ankles and an unflushed toilet. That's depressing, so I'm voting for number 2. Not like it happening while I'm working on a #2, but #2 as in the second portrayal with the screaming and the carny hunt afterward. Not that a carny could take me out, and I don't allow garden gnomes anywhere near me after '98, so getting taken out by them is a long shot (and anyone who has used a carny gun to shoot out a paper star at one of their "fairs" know that their guns suck ass and can't hit anything.

I was thinking about putting in my will that after I die, to have my ass removed and cremated separately and the ashes from that baked into a pie and then the pie given the Dick Cheney. He probably get's a lot of pies. I want the rest of my ashes put in a paper bag (with "Dead body ashes" written on the bag with a sharpie), and put into a safe deposit box. And then my "tombstone" could be written on the back of a business card and put on the outside of the safety deposit box. It could say something like, here are the remains of a good agent of chaos who gave up his ass for a good cause. If you can think of any good tombstone sayings for me, feel free to throw them up in a comment.

Guilt Repost

OK, I feel guilty for posting such a lame post. So here is a repost of one of my favorites:


You know, I love beer. I love beer in it's many forms and varieties. I have overcome my beer snobbishness and can live up to the fact that I even like light American beer. I especially love Amber ales with their rich textures that flow over the taste buds. The sweetness and feather like quality of Rolling Rock beer has always been a delight to me. The batch of home brew I did I really liked too, especially the stuff that really fermented well and had an alcohol content slightly lower than hard whiskey. But I have to tell you, I think I found a beer that I not only dislike, I find it absolutely find it hard to drink. At all. Well, maybe not THAT bad, I do have a high gag reflex tolerance.....

Anyway.

This beer is named after a mythical creature of the northwest. And I don't think the naming of the beer is a coincidence. The beer really does taste like your mental image of what this creature would taste like. The beer I'm talking about is called Bigfoot Ale by Sierra Nevada brewing company. Oh my god, I swear to you that if I licked Bigfoot, I would bet you a million dollars that it would taste like this beer. I now believe in Bigfoot because how (or why) else would someone make a beer like this. Every time I take a drink of this beer my mouth automatically starts salivating profusely to drown out the bad taste in a sort of gustatory survival reflex. I've voluntarily put some bad things in my mouth over my lifespan, but honestly, I think this might be the top of the list. My wife won't kiss me after drinking this beer, it's that bad. And I'm not sure, but I think I heard the kids talking about why it smelled like dad ate a dead skunk. It's a bad beer. You know, I just thought of a redeeming quality of this beer. It tastes like tree bark. I love trees, so that is the closest thing to a compliment that I can give it.

Oh god, I just took another drink. YYYUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK!!!!!!! Jesus Christ how can they make a beer like this for mass market! Why do I keep drinking it for that matter. I find it goes down better if I can sort of bypass my taste buds.

My wife just took our dog India out of her bath and she looks so unhappy to have to have put up with the indignity of a bath. So reproachful, so forlorn. Poor dog. But crap, she was halfway to chiapet land.

OH GOD! I did it again. Why do I keep doing that!? I think deep down I hate myself and that's why I'm drinking this shitwater, treebark beer. I think the fact that this is my 4th beer is helping out. Like beer goggles for beer.

Hey! It helps to hock a loogie into your mouth and THEN take a drink of this beer. Yeah, you may say grooooosssss, but I say you haven't tried this beer yet.

Should I take another drink? I'm pretty toasted at this point, but I don't know if I can or not. My decision making capability has been compromised by all of the drink, but this beer is really, REALLLLYYYY bad crap. I think I would rather lick the ass of a sick Sasquatch than take another drink. But I am in the slightly drunk phase that anything and everything alcoholic is fair game. But this beer is pushing the limits of that too.

Phew, that's another one down. Being the cheap bastard that I am, I feel obligated to finish drinking the rest of this shit. And I am not using the label shit lightly.I just opened another one. I twisted off the cap on this one. It's freakin hard to twist off the cap on these bottles. It's almost like the brewery even thinks it's a bad idea to drink this beer.

OK, I think I have drank too much. The beer is staring at me, challenging me. I can almost hear it saying "drink me fucker! I dare you!" Yeah, I showed it. I took two drinks.

OH SHIT, the dryer is going to explode!!!!! Never mind, my wife came to fix the problem. Phew! Thank god she is here an sober....India reminds me of a badger after she gets a bath. I think it's all of the puffiness. It's also all of the licking.

You know after a big rain how there are puddles on fallen logs in the forest? Especially puddles on fallen logs with toadstools around them? That's what this beer reminds me off. Even in my deadened state of awareness, it tastes that bad. Maybe it tastes that good, but I don't realize it.

I think I should call it a night....

Love to all that make my life as fun and interesting as it is!!!!

Bits and Pieces, rambling drunk blog

So I need to preface this blog with the fact that 1) it is a drunk blog, and 2) I am REALLY tired.


First this drunk blog is brought to you unofficially by Kona Brewing Co. Pipeline Porter and Michelob's Hop Hound Amber Wheat.




















Before I get started I have to tell you that while I am not the biggest porter fan, the Kona Brewing CO Pipeline Porter with real Kona coffee is absolutely amazing. The complexity of the beer with the surprising complimentary coffee flavor is amazing. As for the other beer, I am sorely disappointed. I guess Michelob's idea of an amber wheat beer is to take bud light and and a drop of red food coloring in it. Then add a ton of elephant piss because that's what it tastes like. Don't get me wrong, I grew up in the south, and am male, so I will still drink it as it is alcoholic. But I feel abused for having to have paid money for this brew.


anyway, enough with that rant...


I went snowboarding today and had a blast! Well, mostly had a blast anyway. The 2nd run down the hill I was doing really good and lost it and fell on a hard packed snow mound and broke my ass. I didn't really break my ass but bruised my tailbone, but saying broke my ass is a lot more fun. Though being able to NOT say I broke my ass, if even in joking form, would be better still.

That makes me think of a tiny skit. A guy is skiing, and falls on his ass. He is writhing in pain and moaning, crying; " I think I broke my ass!", when all of a sudden he lets out a huge fart. Then he says, "Oh thank god it still works!". Then he starts waving at his face and says, "Oh Jesus, maybe it IS broke!" Then a St. Bernard dog comes up with a little cask around his neck like in the cartoons but passes out when he gets near the guy.


That reminds me of this old comedy skit show "Bizarre" where a guy had to take his shoes off for a scene in a Japanese restaurant and he wasn't doing it. They finally get him to do it and the rest of the cast starts gagging, the plants start drooping, and the wall paper rolls up. I was rolling on the floor from laughing at that one.

Oh man, that was funny earlier. I think my comedic timing is off or something. I wonder if it's messed up because of some fubared government daylight savings thing.

Speaking of snowboarding, I got up a 3:30 to feed the critters since my wife is out of town. I could have gotten up later but I was too excited. That's pretty crazy since I was up late last night chasing after a breakout artist horse. Luckily the other horses he was with didn't break for it either. I couldn't find or see them at first and I was worried that they might have gotten loose and tried to hitch a ride for Hollywood or something. They are younger horses and don't understand the vicious people and cutthroat society that Hollywood is, especially for ruralites. Oh yeah, and after I got the horses settled which took a good 45 minutes, I was greeting by a nice pile of dog vomit when I got back in the house. Yeah, my dog's are givers. Great. But even though I got to bed late, it didn't stop me from getting pumped about snowboarding today.


Here is a part repost of something I thought was funny from one of my old blogs:

BOGO stands for Buy One Get One free. Now In sales we use this term a lot and we just pronounce it as bogo. Now we have had a deal at one time that was a BOGO deal, but a bit different in that a customer could get up to 5 free, so it's like BOG5. But wait, how do you pronounce that? Maybe I'll email Sesame Street, they are good at that kind of stuff. Of course with my luck lately, I'll get Oscar the Grouch answering the email that day and he will tell me to (and I quote from this fictional email response) "JUST FUCK OFF GOD DAMMIT, AND THERE IS NO SANTA CLAUSE! JESUS I HATE THESE STUPID QUESTIONS FROM YOU STUPID BASTARD KIDS WHO NEVER VOTE ME THE MOST LOVABLE SESAME STREET CHARACTER! OH! AND IF YOU SEE THE GRINCH, TELL HIM THAT I CALLED HIM A PUSSY. -with regards, Oscar the Grouch" God bless the rants of Oscar the Grouch. Unofficial of course...


Did you know that carnies have their own language? It's called Cizarny. You basically put iz after the first vowel in every word. I always thought it was just some kind of fucked up carny pig latin, but no, it's its "own" language that just RESEMBLES some kind of fucked up carny pig latin. I learned that from NPR by the way, whoda thought?

Man, I've been watching Heroes season 3 all night and it isn't exactly the type of thing to get me in a comedic mode. Heroes is like Battlestar Galactica for me. I stopped enjoying it awhile back but I can't stop watching it. I should watch porn. Not that it would get me in the comedic mode, just that I like porn. And I don't have the problem of not wanting to watch porn.


My favorite shows lately are "Big Bang Theory", "Eureka", and "Lost". Especially Lost as it was going downhill for so long but the writing this season has been amazing.

This is a fizzle blog, or even more so a fizzle drunk blog isn't it? I can tell because I haven't been hitting the backspace key much for obvious spelling errors. Oh well, like I've said before, I'm kind of like the Mel Brooks of comedy, I throw a bunch of stuff out there and sometimes it's a hit and sometimes is isn't.


Another reason I can tell it's a fizzle is that I haven't mentioned my 10 inch penis, or written about my 10 inch penis extensively. Does that mean I'm getting old!?


FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!


I'm thinking of starting a religion whose basic tenant is that orgasms are gods way of saying that you are doing it right, and that sex has nothing to do with love and families. I'm going to call it the first church of Free Willy. Glen Quagmire will be the pope.

Women need to step it up with funny/cute names for their genitalia. Men have all sorts of names for their penis, but women do not (not that they have penis'). And the names that are out their for their private parts are not funny or appropriate in most cases. That's kind of fascinating.


I think I was oxygen starved as a child. It would explain a lot.

Well even though this wasn't the best post, there are plenty of older post that I read when I need a smile. Go read those. :)

I did good. Grammatically.

So today I used a sentence correctly that I never thought I would be able to do. It just goes to show you that if you have patience, any opportunity will present itself. What was the sentence you ask? It was, "Look, put the bacon in your pants and just give me the 5 bucks!" Ahhhh, the feeling of accomplishment...

My Bucket List

I've seen a few different bucket list's lately and it kind of got me to thinking about what my bucket list would consist of. A bucket list for those who don't know is a list of things you want to accomplish before you die. Now keep in mind that a bucket list will change over time as we change over time. But for now, here is MY bucket list.

1. Rid our planet of the evil domineering carnies. (duh!)


2. Rid the planet of garden gnomes who are all in league with the evil carnies.

3. Help a coke addicted rodeo clown get off his clown addiction and move on with his life.


4. Finish my "to do" list

5. Win the lottery


6. Shoot, and make, a 3 pointer (I suck at basketball)

7. Shoot a .50 caliber rifle


8. Find Bigfoot, and get him a sponsorship with Gillette.

9. Complete a scientific study of which creatures melt when you pour salt on them.


10. Cross the Grand Canyon on a pogo stick "facing" Evel Knievel.

11. Learn how to eat rice with chopsticks


12. Learn how to use an abacus

13. Overcome my superstitions


14. Come to a decision on what kind of body I want after I become a brain in the jar.

15. Learn how to balance a checkbook. Oh wait, that's on the IRS's bucket list...


16. Laugh everyday.

17. Find where a shooting star lands.


18. Go on a week long horse ride where you have to "rough it".

19. Find the best way to get Nitrous Oxide out of a can of whipped cream.


20. Find someone else on this planet who appreciated the movie "Shakes the Clown".

21. Overcome my addiction to the smell of an opening can of tennis balls.

22. Successfully market my Outdoors Triathlon.

23. Do not offend the Illuminati

24. Solve a Rubik's cube

25. Take life less serious.

26. And not be committed in the process

30 pounds equal 1 inch

There is a new math that a friend of mine informed me of. It's basis is that losing 30 pounds equals one inch of penis length. The idea is that a guy (and certain transvestites/transsexuals) loses 30 pounds, you gain effectively one inch of penis length. Now, I have recently lost 30 pounds and said friend asked me if my wife noticed the extra inch. I'm not leaving it up to her as an extra inch added to my already huge 10 inches isn't that big of a deal. So scientifically I measured it and yes, my penis (dick/cock/crowbar of love) did increase in size. This turned out to be a big motivator for my friend to continue on his weight loss goal, and I'm not sure what to make of that. Maybe I should just leave it as I have a penis that inspires people. :) So from now on I will be claiming that I have an 11" penis, and that so you are not alarmed, I DO know how to use it. Unless I have been drinking and then all bets (and claims) are off. I (like most men) may THINK I know how to use it, but there are no guarantee's implied or implicit.

The use of big words used in questionable circumstances is proof that this is a drunk (and tired) blog.

Something something something, have a good night, it's god's way of telling you that you did it right, blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda, I think Julia Louise Dreyfus has great hair, Seinfeld was a great show I should watch it again, the Bee Movie sucked, I sometimes wish I had an American Express card, especially when I go to Costco, god I love Costco for their samples, I wish I had room and could afford a nice elliptical machine, I'm thinking of joining a gym again, how many commas are in this train of thought sentence, I like trains, I've been on a train once, there was a military guy meeting his girlfriend/fiance' and they kissed when he got off and I never realized how amazingly cool that was till now, I loved being kissed by loved ones.

Phew!

Is Weirdness Genetic?

Tonight I was in the kitchen cooking when my wife and son were playing cards in the living room. They started telling each other knock knock jokes or something. SHE was telling knock knock jokes, my son was trying to make them up like most kids (and like most kids failing). I'm only kind of hearing this when all of a sudden my son belts out "I'M THE QUEEN OF FARTS!!!" I was between cracking up and asking myself "where the hell did that come from!"

Part 2

Do you think ADD might be contagious? One of my super powers (I have 4 that I know of so far) is that I can not answer a question, yet make you walk away thinking I gave you an answer. You will wonder what I said, but you won't be able to remember. My wife says I would make a great politician. It happens to her all of the time. Man, if I was a politician... I would run for president, but only if I got to pick the interns. Anyway, I think I figured out the whole not answering thing. When I'm thinking of how to answer a question put to me (Like, "when will you get home?") I tend to talk about something while I'm thinking about the answer. I go over what I am doing the next day, what may come up and stuff like that. Before you know it, you are off on a nice tangent with me, and then we end the conversation and you go off with a weird feeling that you missed something. Have no fear though, there isn't anything to miss, because I never answered your question. Maybe I could get a job as a consultant for politicians who are in a tough spot and need to shift the attention away from whatever bad thing they got caught doing. I could get a code name like Smokescreen or The Invisible Answer man.

Anyway, you know how I know this is a super power? Do you remember the question that was asked in the beginning without peeking above?

Bears shit salt!?!?

I'm just relaying important survival information. My wife was driving me back from a doctors appointment (I'm still not pregnant), when we sort of traded places. I should back up a sec and give a little background here. My wife has this odd tendency to ask really off the wall questions out of nowhere. Like can you skate in a pool that has water in it? How would you go about buying a camel in the Northwest? Which then forces me to try an answer said off the wall question as best as I possibly can. So there we are, driving home from the doctor (no more cream!!!), and I come up with, "How would you find salt if you were stranded out in the middle of a forest?" I'm not sure where this thought came from, but it was starting to bug me. Her best idea was to follow other animals around and look for them licking the ground and then that would probably be a good place to find salt. Now, if you have ever been hiking, following an animal that doesn't want to be followed, and none of them do, it's damn near impossible. Second, I don't think that licking dirt that another animal has licked is a good answer. Then she tells me that , "You could watch where a bunch of butterflies have grouped together on the ground. Oh, wait. They were on a pile of poop when I saw that."

OK

ummmmm, NOOOOOO. I think I'll pass on that one thank you honey. Actually, I'm glad she finished that thought because if I ever get stranded in the forest I won't investigate what the butterflies are going over on the ground in the forest. But it got me thinking about the bear shitting in the woods joke, and somehow that was twisted around to a bear shitting salt. Then I thought to myself, "I don't KNOW that it wouldn't be salty...", and you know what? That is the way it's going to stay. Period. Still, is bear shit natures Gatorade?

That's the most offensiveness that I can come up with for now.

Survey time!!!

So surveys are a constant part of social networking. While they can be a lot of fun, after you do a couple it's basically the same questions over and over again. That can be a real pisser as it goes to show you that your "friends" aren't fucking reading the answers anyway, so what's the point of doing the survey? Even if they do read the survey, it seems kind of invasive. It's like old school text adventure game voyeurism. Like "The Legend of Zork" or The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy" meets some freaky peeping tom. I'm just waiting to get a survey that starts with "What are you wearing?", and ends with "Now take the citrus reamer...". ARGH! That made for a bad image, but I'm a giver, so I share it with you. Anyway, I decided to make up my own survey. I triple dog dare you to post it in the comment section with your answers. Me, I'm doing it right now...




The Official Agent of Chaos Survey


Pick a number between 1 and 50: 23

When was the last time you farted?About 3 minutes ago. Writing while sober makes me gassy.

When was the last time you farted and you were afraid you might of crapped your pants? About 3 minutes ago, I think I had some bad fish.

When was the last time you farted and DID crap your pants?Maybe 3 minutes ago, I'm afraid to check.

Have you ever kissed a carny? And experienced that wonder mix of flavors of Marlboro Red and Mad Dog 20/20? No thank you.

When was the last time you said a cuss word?About 3 minutes ago when I thought I might have lost control of something.

What was the cuss work you said last? Oh fuck.

What is your favorite cussword?Fuck and all of it's derivatives like Fuckity Fuck. The Chile Peppers version of fuckity fuck fuck, fuckityfuckity fuck fuck is a good one too.

Do you pick at your toes when you take your socks off? Oh yeah, I hate toe lint.

What do you think a carny smells like up close? A mixture of Sterno, 3 day old sweat, and bad gingivitis.

Do you keep your fingernails and toenails in a jar like Howard Hughes? You never know when they will come in handy.

Do you prefer compact florescent light bulbs or incandescent light bulbs? LED bulbs.

Mild, Medium, Hot, or OMG Salsa? OMG Salsa, life is to short to wuss out.

The answer to the first question is 23, did you get it right? Fuckin A!

Have you ever snorted coke on the back of a toilet? Yes.

If you answered yes, what the fuck is wrong with you and are you over it? It was part of an undercover anticarny job I was doing. The carbonation and sugar killed my sinuses, but it got me into their clan the weird fuckers.

Is there any food that you think you could eat your weight in? Vienna sausages. JK, my chicken Chile.

If a carny and a garden gnome had a "baby", what would it look like? Dick Cheney

Do you always make sure your partner "Gets their cookie too"? Only when I'm eating Chinese. JK, yes because then you know you did it right.

Have you eaten paste lately?Noff, I woldf neffer do 'hat.

When did you stop sniffing glue? You think I stopped? How the hell do you think I come up with this shit?

Do your parents know that you practice sever S&M? Where did you think I learned some of my "moves" and "techniques"

What is the safety word? Oklahoma of course!

Now that we are ate the end, let's all join in a nice round of: OKLAHOMA, OKLAHOMA, OKLAHOMA!!!!!!

Some Days

Some days you have it, and some days you don't. And some days you are too tired and drunk even come close. That's ok though! There are a lot of days out there.

My Wife Is A Lesbian

Well, ok, she said I should be a girl, which in my book makes her a lesbian. Oh crap! What does that make me!? A girl! Shit! Now I am confused! OK, I am obviously not a girl (what girl has a 10 inch cock!?), and my wife is not a lesbian (though if my wife wanted to explore things sexually in that direction I would be a willing participant).

Anywho... My wife and I just finished watching "Say Anything" with John Cusak. I am at best ok with the movie, but there were some disappointing moments throughout. She is offended by my stance. She says that because I am a guy I don't understand or appreciate the love story in the movie. My response is "What fucking love story!?" There is more love story in a girls gone wild video than in this movie. Plus, my wife just admitted she is in love with John Cusaks character in this movie, and as his character is a flaming homosexual who hasn't come to terms with his sexuality hence him going out with this chick. Fuck! I lost my track of thought. My wife also just mentioned that she would like to spend some time in the dryer, which goes to show her mental state, or lack thereof.

You know, this might be a drunk blog. I didn't think I was all that toasted, and was worried that all this diet and exercise and stuff, that I couldn't get drunk anymore, but I think I am finally getting there.

My wife is standing next to me "wanting to drunk blog with me", but I am ignoring her. "She could make it very hard to ignore me, but I am resilient." She is giggling while she is tickling my neck, but it isn't WORKING! Maybe if she blew me. Oh crap, she left to brush her teeth. CRAP! Now she is back reading this and it is awkward. HA! I almost got her to spit out toothpaste! HAHA, she burped while brushing her teeth. I think she should have to rebrush them. I don't know.

Yeah, I am official drunk by the way.

You don't know this since you are reading this, but I have hit the backspace button more than any other button combined. That's how I know how drunk I am.

"There is botox in sperm, let me come on your face." OK, I just made that up, but I am going to use that line one of these days. Feel free to use that yourself, I'm a giver. Of cum. On the face is my speciality!

OOOOOooooo, that hacked off the wife. Now she is gone and this blog is mine, all mine!!!!

hmmmm... So... How are you doing out there? Got a nice blanky, because that is an important part of living a good and healthy life. Same with porn.

Jesus! Is there no sanctity of property! My wife was messing around with my new underwear! Jesus Christ what the fuck is going on here!?

Did I ever post on here that I have bad ADD when I am drinking?

OK. Think. Wife messing with underwear. Oh yeah! I feel positively violated now. And not in a semi unwilling young lad losing his virginity to a hot MILF (like my wife!), but in a semi unwilling young lad losing his virginity in prison to a hot young prison gang member for a pack of unfiltered Lucky Strikes. Fuckin' a I can be long winded sometimes. I love the long sentences, but at the end of them I forget where I was going with them. OK, give me a sec while I catch up on where the fuck I was going with this.......

You know, having my wife wear one of my work shirts while in her underwear doesn't bother me at all, in fact it's about the opposite of bother as you can get, but the thought of my wife wearing my underwear bothers me quite a bit. Not that she did, but her defense earlier was that she didn't wear them or stick her finger through the overlap to the inside of them. Man, I don't know where to go with this.

I hope you are keeping track of this post using a napkin because I am all over the place.

So this "movie", "Say Anything", just bugged the shit out of me. I like the fact that two people who are inherently different fall for each other and look like they are going to have a promising life together forever. At the same time, they have to go through a ton of shit to get to the end point. Why the hell can't we just all skip the bad and trying shit and get to the good point!? Honestly, just own up to the fact that you have a good thing going on (or not going on, but I'm looking at this in a half glass full manner), and skip the stupid testing shit and enjoy what you got!

There was another one of those long sentences that threw me off track.

I was going to do a post where I put of a picture of a snow woman, with the title of, " I frocked her", in tribute to Andrew Dice Clay, but I don't like him outside of a few soundbites. Then I had the idea to take a picture of the hill behind my house since we have tons of frost, and mention that I had won a huge can of flocking during my undercover carny work and punked my neighbor. So call that one of my "almost, but not quite" skit ideas. Though that makes me think of a skit where a guy goes on trial for flocking things. There would be lines like, "yeah, I flocked her. Twice.", and.
yes I always practiced safe flocking by wearing gloves."

The plural of gloves above (like I have two dicks) (which I might,and if you are a hot chick and want to find out, buy me a drink) is why I like to sleep with two women at a time.

Heck, to be honest, the plural of anything is why I like to sleep with two girls at a time. That's the best Menages e' many I believe. Rutabagas, good enough for me to sleep with two women at once!

Man, looking at the title I put to this post I forgot where I started. Something about that semi boring movie we watched tonight that didn't land the ending right.

Anyway... Peace out, and have sex in as many ways as possible to overcome the puritan programming that is instilled in us by the stifling society that we live in, in America. God doesn't believe in limits, neither should you. That's why he made orgasms feel so good.

You know, this movie reminds me of my "to do" list. The list of famous people that I'm not sure I would feel extremely guilty sleeping with if the opportunity arose. That's because my wife thought in the beginning that Jennifer Connolly was in it and she used to be in my to do list. Now it's Anne Hathaway (Call me!!), and Julia Roberts. Jeez, I just realized I am not a big fan of the current run of actresses. I'd do Britney Spears in a one night stand maybe, but with all the shit surrounding her I am not committed to that. Kudos to my wife, she is always on my to do list always! That's a good thing honey, remember it's good for you too as there aren't to many 10 inch cocks around. Tootin' my own horn there as I can with a 10 inch cock, but I don't have to since I have a 10 inch cock. Did I mention that I have a 10 inch cock? I take reservations.... Deposit required in advance, credit cards accepted.

Not really, but my wife might like the extra money. She is my pimpess.

That reminds me, but not really, I am digressing here. I have a "friend"/competitor in a biggest loser contest who said that you gain an inch in penis length for every 30 pounds lost. I think he was just making that up as he has an "inny", and I'm not talking about his belly button. FACE!! Still, I can't imagine my hugeness becoming even huger. The only people smirking or giggling are people that haven't experienced the hugeness of the CARNY KILLER. Which is what the tattoo that I am going to get says one of these days.

Damn, I have to stop. My right eyeball is getting dry from all of this typing.

Now, since you made it to the end of this rambling post, reward yourself, go have some great sex! You know what I say, "an orgasm is gods way of saying you did it right!" And enjoy life! Roll with the punches, and focus on the good things. Have a smile for every person who enters you life, even if for only a little bit. And love the people you love to the fullest!!!!