Anyway...
So my son, god bless him, learned about phlegm the other day. He was sick and coughing a lot, and while we were watching TV (Eureka season 2) he coughed up something in his hand. My wife told him that it was some phlegm and that he needed to wash his hand. He got off the couch and looked at his hand in wonderment and then said loudly ," Sweet! I coughed up some phlegm!". Five bucks says I could now wrap that up and give it to him as a birthday present and he would love it. Kind of like gravel.
Repost insert!!!!!!!!!!!
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The Official Agent of Chaos Survey
Pick a number between 1 and 50: 23
When was the last time you farted?About 3 minutes ago. Writing while sober makes me gassy.
When was the last time you farted and you were afraid you might of crapped your pants? About 3 minutes ago, I think I had some bad fish.
When was the last time you farted and DID crap your pants? Maybe 3 minutes ago, I'm afraid to check
Have you ever kissed a carny? And experienced that wonder mix of flavors of Marlboro Red and Mad Dog 20/20? No thank you.
When was the last time you said a cuss word?About 3 minutes ago when I thought I might have lost control of something.
What was the cuss work you said last? Oh fuck.
What is your favorite cussword?Fuck and all of it's derivatives like Fuckity Fuck. The Chile Peppers version of fuckity fuck fuck, fuckityfuckity fuck fuck is a good one too.
Do you pick at your toes when you take your socks off? Oh yeah, I hate toe lint.
What do you think a carny smells like up close? A mixture of Sterno, 3 day old sweat, and bad gingivitis
Do you keep your fingernails and toenails in a jar like Howard Hughes? You never know when they will come in handy.
Do you prefer compact florescent light bulbs or incandescent light bulbs? LED bulbs.
Mild, Medium, Hot, or OMG Salsa? OMG Salsa, life is to short to wuss out.
The answer to the first question is 23, did you get it right? Fuckin A!
Have you ever snorted coke on the back of a toilet? Yes.
If you answered yes, what the fuck is wrong with you and are you over it? It was part of an undercover anticarny job I was doing. The carbonation and sugar killed my sinuses, but it got me into their clan the weird fuckers.
Is there any food that you think you could eat your weight in? Vienna sausages. JK, my chicken Chile.
If a carny and a garden gnome had a "baby", what would it look like? Dick Cheney
Do you always make sure your partner "Gets their cookie too"? Only when I'm eating Chinese. JK, yes because then you know you did it right.
Have you eaten paste lately?Noff, I woldf neffer do 'hat.
When did you stop sniffing glue? You think I stopped? How the hell do you think I come up with this shit?
Do your parents know that you practice sever S&M? Where did you think I learned some of my "moves" and "techniques"
What is the safety word? Oklahoma of course!
Now that we are ate the end, let's all join in a nice round of: OKLAHOMA, OKLAHOMA, OKLAHOMA!!!!!!
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Oh yeah!!!!!!!
I so love that questionnaire. I've re-read it like 20 times and it still cracks me up!!! Honestly, I'm not kidding. I can't make it to the 3rd or 4th question without cracking up.
I just discovered something interesting about my admittedly unique typing "technique". I can't just use the mouse to move to cursor back into a sentence that I have typed out to add or delete a word or two in(to) a sentence that I have laboriously (and most likely drunkenly) (like now)typed out. No! That would be way to easy! I must ALWAYS use the backspace key to erase everything that I have written and start afresh as if I am talking to you, the reader.
(Deep breath here)
It's time for me to own up to a deep and dark secret. This is a deep and very cathartic experience for me.
I am a "Brass Bonanza" addict.
There was this radio show who in an effort of making fun of the NHL (National Hockey League) strike a few years back (honestly, it's kind of pathetic that Ishould at this point, point out what "NHL" stands for which is in itself kind of sad). This radio show decided to play "Brass Bonanza) everyday for a couple of minutes in "protest" of the hockey strike and how stupid it was for the struggling professional hockey league in America. I liked this radio show, and tended to catch it often in my driving. So, one thing led to another, and I got hooked on it. I didn't mean too, it just sort of happened. And the first step in dealing with a problem or addiction is admitting it right? So I am coming out and admitting that I am addicted to "Brass Bonanza" (and sex) and I am not sure which step is the asking for forgiveness or apologizing step, but I would like to skip to that step right now and ask for forgiveness from you, the reader of this blog (about the Brass Bonanza thing, not the sex thing). And here is what I am addicted too:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zDKSpEfPOTo
Oh, I must have clicked on the above link 4 times while writing this post and the endorphins are a flowin'!!!!!!!!
I spent too much time on that, now I forgot where I was going. Which must mean it's time for another beer!!!!!
Speaking of which... This post is unofficially sponsored by:
Which comes from one of the AMAZING breweries from the NW, which is The Pikes Brewing Company (which behind (or at least somewhere REALLY close) in an alley is the wall of gum wads which I was lucky to experience but unlucky to be able to contribute too)(but there is always next time!)(Spring break 09!) One of my dreams is to have crazy drunk sex at The Pike Brewing Company brewery. While drinking one of their MANY fine beverages, includding Kilt Lifter Ale (AWESOME!)(which brews (Kilt Lifter) name makes me HOPE that Scottish women wear kilts also, and even if they don't I'm going to believe in that, and don't burst my bubble on this one God Dammit!) Kilts or any skirts without underwear is REALLY hot ladies...
Ok, gotta catch my breath.
OH! So if you haven't figured it out yet, I HATE/LOATH/WISH TO DIE/WANT TO CRUSH INTO OBLIVION/WOULD LOVE TO WIPE OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH/WISH THEM TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH DICK CHENEY/HAVE TO ATTEND A POETRY READING WITH GEORGE BUSH/HAVE A RED HOT POKER STUCK OF THEIR ASS LUBRICATED WITH ACID... Hmmm... I ranted so long I forgot what I was ranting against... Hold on a sec, let me back up a bit and reread what I have written...
OH YEAH! I hate internet website squatters! I would like to work with blogging using the website http://www.trainofthougt.com/ but it is being (AB)used by a carnie/gnome like internet domain squatter. I wonder which level of hell those fuckers occupy. $5 says that they are being "entertained" by Beellzeebub (Dick Cheney) himself. Probably "hunting"... Serves them right the crass loser jackass motherfuckers! OK! TIME TO TAKE MY BLOOD PRESSURE MEDS!/BUY A LARGE MACHINE GUN WITH A LOT OF BULLETS/IT'S A TOSS UP!"
Time out... Time for another wonderfull beer.
That would be the other unofficial (and cheaper) sponsor is:
Which isn't bad for cheap beer!
Oh my god! I just felt like a beer snob!
Ok, I'll be honest with you. If it has alcohol in it, which means I am game to try it. I must admit to trying to get drunk on Kahlua at least 3 times in my life, but I always hurl before I get drunk (apparently the 3rd time IS the charm).
JESUS CHRIST IT'S SNOWING AGAIN!!!!
OK, that's it! Mother Nature is a flaming cunt! YEAH! I said it! I'm tired of the bitch and this shitty weather. Dammit! I can't afford to move to Hawaii! I want that environment to move to me instead! Let's face it, it's a lot cheaper for me to buy a few thousand or so aerosol cans to empty into the atmosphere than it is for me to buy (and travel too) a place in Hawaii! If all of us in the northern latitudes band together we can do this! How many of us have complained about the weather!? Together, we can change the world for the betterment of our personal lives!!!
Phew, I need to get that off my chest about this time every year...
I think I am going to start a group of pop culture websites. I think there might be money in the webutainment business. I'm not sure how, but I think I can be a part of the creative process. I have ideas.
Of course I must admit that porn is the ultimate profit maker in the internet economy, but I don't know how I (and my 10" crowbar of lovin') can really make any money in that sector. I've spent a lot of time researching Internet porn, and I don't know if there is a channel or method that hasn't been run spread uber thin already (unlike my uberthick cock).
If I was in a western movie my name would be Big Dick McQuade.
Ok, I'm outta here. Remember a few thing for me? One, orgasms are gods way of proving that you are doing it correctly. And two: Drink green beer on the 17th (and at least TRY to have green eggs and ham ((honestly a little bit of green food coloring won't kill you once a year))).
Now, get busy on working on that first thing!
P.S. I'm starting a new church. It's the first church of orgasm, and I am going to be the chief potentate. I'll even wear a phallic hat kind of like to Pope to help us (the church) gain legitimacy.
I wonder what the difference is in the amount of endorphins released by sex is versus the amount of endorphins released by laughing is... I might have to change it to the first church of sex and giggles...
Why is it that people that are heavy into any religion repress sexuality and happiness in general?
OK, I can't end a post on that note...
AH! I just ate a homemade chocolate chip cookie. It's pretty close to the feeling of satisfaction you get when you go down on someone and while they are orgasming and you (probably/shouldn't be/aren't) getting "your cookie"... You are making sure someone else is and THAT is a very good thing. We all (including myself) make a big deal of getting off, but the REAL power is in getting someone else to that state of orgasm. Give versus take. The more people willing to give, the more people that receive...
Holy shit...
If the Pope blesses his poop does that make it, well, holy shit?
I've taken many IQ tests and I am proud to say I am retarded!
But retarded compared to what.
Oh crap! I don't know how to end this post!!!!!!
This is why I don't like drugs in general. Not because of how they make me feel, but because I can't get off of the "trip" or "ride" whenever I want too... Is there a drug that can do that? Wouldn't that be fascinating? A drug with a kind of safety word? Oh man, wouldn't that be cool!?!?!?!?!?
Yeah, I'm a giver
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