Guilt Repost

OK, I feel guilty for posting such a lame post. So here is a repost of one of my favorites:


You know, I love beer. I love beer in it's many forms and varieties. I have overcome my beer snobbishness and can live up to the fact that I even like light American beer. I especially love Amber ales with their rich textures that flow over the taste buds. The sweetness and feather like quality of Rolling Rock beer has always been a delight to me. The batch of home brew I did I really liked too, especially the stuff that really fermented well and had an alcohol content slightly lower than hard whiskey. But I have to tell you, I think I found a beer that I not only dislike, I find it absolutely find it hard to drink. At all. Well, maybe not THAT bad, I do have a high gag reflex tolerance.....

Anyway.

This beer is named after a mythical creature of the northwest. And I don't think the naming of the beer is a coincidence. The beer really does taste like your mental image of what this creature would taste like. The beer I'm talking about is called Bigfoot Ale by Sierra Nevada brewing company. Oh my god, I swear to you that if I licked Bigfoot, I would bet you a million dollars that it would taste like this beer. I now believe in Bigfoot because how (or why) else would someone make a beer like this. Every time I take a drink of this beer my mouth automatically starts salivating profusely to drown out the bad taste in a sort of gustatory survival reflex. I've voluntarily put some bad things in my mouth over my lifespan, but honestly, I think this might be the top of the list. My wife won't kiss me after drinking this beer, it's that bad. And I'm not sure, but I think I heard the kids talking about why it smelled like dad ate a dead skunk. It's a bad beer. You know, I just thought of a redeeming quality of this beer. It tastes like tree bark. I love trees, so that is the closest thing to a compliment that I can give it.

Oh god, I just took another drink. YYYUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK!!!!!!! Jesus Christ how can they make a beer like this for mass market! Why do I keep drinking it for that matter. I find it goes down better if I can sort of bypass my taste buds.

My wife just took our dog India out of her bath and she looks so unhappy to have to have put up with the indignity of a bath. So reproachful, so forlorn. Poor dog. But crap, she was halfway to chiapet land.

OH GOD! I did it again. Why do I keep doing that!? I think deep down I hate myself and that's why I'm drinking this shitwater, treebark beer. I think the fact that this is my 4th beer is helping out. Like beer goggles for beer.

Hey! It helps to hock a loogie into your mouth and THEN take a drink of this beer. Yeah, you may say grooooosssss, but I say you haven't tried this beer yet.

Should I take another drink? I'm pretty toasted at this point, but I don't know if I can or not. My decision making capability has been compromised by all of the drink, but this beer is really, REALLLLYYYY bad crap. I think I would rather lick the ass of a sick Sasquatch than take another drink. But I am in the slightly drunk phase that anything and everything alcoholic is fair game. But this beer is pushing the limits of that too.

Phew, that's another one down. Being the cheap bastard that I am, I feel obligated to finish drinking the rest of this shit. And I am not using the label shit lightly.I just opened another one. I twisted off the cap on this one. It's freakin hard to twist off the cap on these bottles. It's almost like the brewery even thinks it's a bad idea to drink this beer.

OK, I think I have drank too much. The beer is staring at me, challenging me. I can almost hear it saying "drink me fucker! I dare you!" Yeah, I showed it. I took two drinks.

OH SHIT, the dryer is going to explode!!!!! Never mind, my wife came to fix the problem. Phew! Thank god she is here an sober....India reminds me of a badger after she gets a bath. I think it's all of the puffiness. It's also all of the licking.

You know after a big rain how there are puddles on fallen logs in the forest? Especially puddles on fallen logs with toadstools around them? That's what this beer reminds me off. Even in my deadened state of awareness, it tastes that bad. Maybe it tastes that good, but I don't realize it.

I think I should call it a night....

Love to all that make my life as fun and interesting as it is!!!!