So surveys are a constant part of social networking. While they can be a lot of fun, after you do a couple it's basically the same questions over and over again. That can be a real pisser as it goes to show you that your "friends" aren't fucking reading the answers anyway, so what's the point of doing the survey? Even if they do read the survey, it seems kind of invasive. It's like old school text adventure game voyeurism. Like "The Legend of Zork" or The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy" meets some freaky peeping tom. I'm just waiting to get a survey that starts with "What are you wearing?", and ends with "Now take the citrus reamer...". ARGH! That made for a bad image, but I'm a giver, so I share it with you. Anyway, I decided to make up my own survey. I triple dog dare you to post it in the comment section with your answers. Me, I'm doing it right now...
The Official Agent of Chaos Survey
Pick a number between 1 and 50: 23
When was the last time you farted?About 3 minutes ago. Writing while sober makes me gassy.
When was the last time you farted and you were afraid you might of crapped your pants? About 3 minutes ago, I think I had some bad fish.
When was the last time you farted and DID crap your pants?Maybe 3 minutes ago, I'm afraid to check.
Have you ever kissed a carny? And experienced that wonder mix of flavors of Marlboro Red and Mad Dog 20/20? No thank you.
When was the last time you said a cuss word?About 3 minutes ago when I thought I might have lost control of something.
What was the cuss work you said last? Oh fuck.
What is your favorite cussword?Fuck and all of it's derivatives like Fuckity Fuck. The Chile Peppers version of fuckity fuck fuck, fuckityfuckity fuck fuck is a good one too.
Do you pick at your toes when you take your socks off? Oh yeah, I hate toe lint.
What do you think a carny smells like up close? A mixture of Sterno, 3 day old sweat, and bad gingivitis.
Do you keep your fingernails and toenails in a jar like Howard Hughes? You never know when they will come in handy.
Do you prefer compact florescent light bulbs or incandescent light bulbs? LED bulbs.
Mild, Medium, Hot, or OMG Salsa? OMG Salsa, life is to short to wuss out.
The answer to the first question is 23, did you get it right? Fuckin A!
Have you ever snorted coke on the back of a toilet? Yes.
If you answered yes, what the fuck is wrong with you and are you over it? It was part of an undercover anticarny job I was doing. The carbonation and sugar killed my sinuses, but it got me into their clan the weird fuckers.
Is there any food that you think you could eat your weight in? Vienna sausages. JK, my chicken Chile.
If a carny and a garden gnome had a "baby", what would it look like? Dick Cheney
Do you always make sure your partner "Gets their cookie too"? Only when I'm eating Chinese. JK, yes because then you know you did it right.
Have you eaten paste lately?Noff, I woldf neffer do 'hat.
When did you stop sniffing glue? You think I stopped? How the hell do you think I come up with this shit?
Do your parents know that you practice sever S&M? Where did you think I learned some of my "moves" and "techniques"
What is the safety word? Oklahoma of course!
Now that we are ate the end, let's all join in a nice round of: OKLAHOMA, OKLAHOMA, OKLAHOMA!!!!!!
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Pick a number between 1 and 50: 32
ReplyDeleteWhen was the last time you farted?unlike SOME people, I don't keep track of my bodily functions.
When was the last time you farted and you were afraid you might of crapped your pants? see above!
When was the last time you farted and DID crap your pants?unlike SOME people I don't talk AD NAUSEUM about my bodily functions online.
Have you ever kissed a carny? the thought sickens me. I am of the anti-carny group.
When was the last time you said a cuss word?Last night.
What was the cuss work you said last? dammit, I think. or fuck.
What is your favorite cussword?it's not a word, it's a phrase: "fuck a goddamn duck". I learned it from my dear mother.
Do you pick at your toes when you take your socks off? no. I rarely am even LOOKING at my toes at that point.
What do you think a carny smells like up close? why must I imagine this horrific odor?
Do you keep your fingernails and toenails in a jar like Howard Hughes? I do not. I keep them in a box.
Do you prefer compact florescent light bulbs or incandescent light bulbs? I prefer SUNLIGHT.
Mild, Medium, Hot, or OMG Salsa? no thank you. guacamole!!
The answer to the first question is 23, did you get it right? nope, because I read ahead, and decided to be contrary, to no one's surprise, I'm sure.
Have you ever snorted coke on the back of a toilet? I have to say that the answer to this one is no. My life has not been that...shall we say....complete.
If you answered yes, what the fuck is wrong with you and are you over it? do you not LISTEN?! I said NO.
Is there any food that you think you could eat your weight in? chocolate oranges. fresh baked bread with butter. blueberries and cream. cake. chocolate chip cookie dough...oh sorry, did you say "food" or "foods"?
If a carny and a garden gnome had a "baby", what would it look like? the anti-christ, of course! sheesh, John, I thought you knew that!
Do you always make sure your partner "Gets their cookie too"? I am not allowed cookies at the moment..oh, sorry, you meant something else, didn't you? the mention of cookies distracted me. so, yes, my partners ALWAYS get their cookies. I mean, my PARTNER. yeah...that's right.
Have you eaten paste lately?I never ate paste. disgusting habit. I was too busy eating dog biscuits, like any sane little kid.
When did you stop sniffing glue? See above.
Do your parents know that you practice sever S&M? they cut it off? that's a horrible thing to do!
What is the safety word? "MORE!"
Now that we are ate the end, let's all join in a nice round of: OKLAHOMA, OKLAHOMA, OKLAHOMA!!!!!! (it's the place to be!)