So I need to preface this blog with the fact that 1) it is a drunk blog, and 2) I am REALLY tired.
First this drunk blog is brought to you unofficially by Kona Brewing Co. Pipeline Porter and Michelob's Hop Hound Amber Wheat.
Before I get started I have to tell you that while I am not the biggest porter fan, the Kona Brewing CO Pipeline Porter with real Kona coffee is absolutely amazing. The complexity of the beer with the surprising complimentary coffee flavor is amazing. As for the other beer, I am sorely disappointed. I guess Michelob's idea of an amber wheat beer is to take bud light and and a drop of red food coloring in it. Then add a ton of elephant piss because that's what it tastes like. Don't get me wrong, I grew up in the south, and am male, so I will still drink it as it is alcoholic. But I feel abused for having to have paid money for this brew.
anyway, enough with that rant...
I went snowboarding today and had a blast! Well, mostly had a blast anyway. The 2nd run down the hill I was doing really good and lost it and fell on a hard packed snow mound and broke my ass. I didn't really break my ass but bruised my tailbone, but saying broke my ass is a lot more fun. Though being able to NOT say I broke my ass, if even in joking form, would be better still.
That makes me think of a tiny skit. A guy is skiing, and falls on his ass. He is writhing in pain and moaning, crying; " I think I broke my ass!", when all of a sudden he lets out a huge fart. Then he says, "Oh thank god it still works!". Then he starts waving at his face and says, "Oh Jesus, maybe it IS broke!" Then a St. Bernard dog comes up with a little cask around his neck like in the cartoons but passes out when he gets near the guy.
That reminds me of this old comedy skit show "Bizarre" where a guy had to take his shoes off for a scene in a Japanese restaurant and he wasn't doing it. They finally get him to do it and the rest of the cast starts gagging, the plants start drooping, and the wall paper rolls up. I was rolling on the floor from laughing at that one.
Oh man, that was funny earlier. I think my comedic timing is off or something. I wonder if it's messed up because of some fubared government daylight savings thing.
Speaking of snowboarding, I got up a 3:30 to feed the critters since my wife is out of town. I could have gotten up later but I was too excited. That's pretty crazy since I was up late last night chasing after a breakout artist horse. Luckily the other horses he was with didn't break for it either. I couldn't find or see them at first and I was worried that they might have gotten loose and tried to hitch a ride for Hollywood or something. They are younger horses and don't understand the vicious people and cutthroat society that Hollywood is, especially for ruralites. Oh yeah, and after I got the horses settled which took a good 45 minutes, I was greeting by a nice pile of dog vomit when I got back in the house. Yeah, my dog's are givers. Great. But even though I got to bed late, it didn't stop me from getting pumped about snowboarding today.
Here is a part repost of something I thought was funny from one of my old blogs:
BOGO stands for Buy One Get One free. Now In sales we use this term a lot and we just pronounce it as bogo. Now we have had a deal at one time that was a BOGO deal, but a bit different in that a customer could get up to 5 free, so it's like BOG5. But wait, how do you pronounce that? Maybe I'll email Sesame Street, they are good at that kind of stuff. Of course with my luck lately, I'll get Oscar the Grouch answering the email that day and he will tell me to (and I quote from this fictional email response) "JUST FUCK OFF GOD DAMMIT, AND THERE IS NO SANTA CLAUSE! JESUS I HATE THESE STUPID QUESTIONS FROM YOU STUPID BASTARD KIDS WHO NEVER VOTE ME THE MOST LOVABLE SESAME STREET CHARACTER! OH! AND IF YOU SEE THE GRINCH, TELL HIM THAT I CALLED HIM A PUSSY. -with regards, Oscar the Grouch" God bless the rants of Oscar the Grouch. Unofficial of course...
Did you know that carnies have their own language? It's called Cizarny. You basically put iz after the first vowel in every word. I always thought it was just some kind of fucked up carny pig latin, but no, it's its "own" language that just RESEMBLES some kind of fucked up carny pig latin. I learned that from NPR by the way, whoda thought?
Man, I've been watching Heroes season 3 all night and it isn't exactly the type of thing to get me in a comedic mode. Heroes is like Battlestar Galactica for me. I stopped enjoying it awhile back but I can't stop watching it. I should watch porn. Not that it would get me in the comedic mode, just that I like porn. And I don't have the problem of not wanting to watch porn.
My favorite shows lately are "Big Bang Theory", "Eureka", and "Lost". Especially Lost as it was going downhill for so long but the writing this season has been amazing.
This is a fizzle blog, or even more so a fizzle drunk blog isn't it? I can tell because I haven't been hitting the backspace key much for obvious spelling errors. Oh well, like I've said before, I'm kind of like the Mel Brooks of comedy, I throw a bunch of stuff out there and sometimes it's a hit and sometimes is isn't.
Another reason I can tell it's a fizzle is that I haven't mentioned my 10 inch penis, or written about my 10 inch penis extensively. Does that mean I'm getting old!?
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!
I'm thinking of starting a religion whose basic tenant is that orgasms are gods way of saying that you are doing it right, and that sex has nothing to do with love and families. I'm going to call it the first church of Free Willy. Glen Quagmire will be the pope.
Women need to step it up with funny/cute names for their genitalia. Men have all sorts of names for their penis, but women do not (not that they have penis'). And the names that are out their for their private parts are not funny or appropriate in most cases. That's kind of fascinating.
I think I was oxygen starved as a child. It would explain a lot.
Well even though this wasn't the best post, there are plenty of older post that I read when I need a smile. Go read those. :)
No comments:
Post a Comment