Tonight's drunk blog is unofficially brought to you by Guinness (in a can with that cool ass miracle widget), and Michelob's Winter's Bourbon Cask Ale). Here are some pics for you illiterate types out there:
Take a good look at that full glass of Guinness cause it's going to be empty soon.I was thinking back today about this one time, in band camp, I stuck a flute up my, OH HO! I don't think I should share that story! This is a kid friendly blog site! No, but seriously, this one time in band camp... Just kidding. It was at boy scout camp, where boys learn to become men, Catholic Priest style. Reason #982 why I'm going to hell. The low number is because it's a repeat.
Anyway... So this one time in high school, I was working at a restaurant and they told me to take a vacation. I was working a lot, and was getting burned out a bit, so I took their advice. I went to go visit a friend in Nebraska. Nebraska for those of you who haven't been there, is the flattest place on earth. It's so flat, that I was thinking about starting up a town out there, called Flatville. Since I like to have fun, Flatville would have a theme park called the Flatville Follies, with all kinds of two dimensional rides like the scrambler, and, I don't know, tug of war. They would serve pancakes for breakfast, pizza for lunch, and flat iron steaks for dinner. There would be no houses over one story tall. There could be a shoe store that only sold flip flops and flats (which would be the name of said store). And there would be a strong anticarny hiring policy there.
MMMMMM... That was a good batch of beer.
I figured out how to add my profile to the side again, so I put it back and updated it. I saw an add on thing for polls, but a life size pic of my cock won't fit on most peoples screen. Ah, you may laugh, but if we were in a crowded room right now, you could tell who I have slept with by the smiling women in the audience nodding their heads. Which reminds me, my porn name is John Holmes the second, AKA the second coming of John Holmes. Most of my movies have the tag line, "Just when you thought you had more than you can take, he comes again..." OK, that was the beer talking.
Oh, so I went snowboarding this weekend! I had a blast! My only goal was to make it down the beginner slope to the chair lift, and it was "mission accomplished!" See, not everything about George Bush is bad, just ALMOST everything.
I got a nice reciprocal saw for Christmas, but it's been snowing and/or raining since Christmas so I haven't been able to use it yet. It's getting a bit bad now. I'm starting to look at furniture in the house and think, "We don't REALLY need a coffee table do we?" I'm learning though, we still have a coffee table in one piece. For now...
Man, I'm so fat, that while taking a break after falling down snowboarding, some kids came up to me to bet me $10 they could jump over me. It was the most painful $10 I've ever earned.
That reminds me of an old joke I told someone this weekend. This redneck girl and her boyfriend were in his pick up truck starting to get hot and heavy. She moans into his ear, "give me 8 inches and make it hurt", so he fucked her twice and punched her in the face. I told that joke to my first wife and she didn't see the humor. Women...
The second time (I'm always good for a second time...) I was getting ready for the chair lift, this other guy on a snowboard came up and asked me if I had a lift buddy. I said no, so he got in line with me. He talked like I envision snowboarders talking. Making a few snide remarks about skiers, and we talked about different boots and such. He was an opinionated ass, but that just fit in with my image of a snowboarder. When I asked how long he had been boarding he said 3 days. Then it hit me that he wasn't anything like the other snowboarders I talked to who were happy to give me tips and advice on gear and techniques in general. Plus, I got $10 bucks off of one of them, and I think this guy would have flaked out on me when it came to pay out time. He probably was a carny. He did smell a bit like cabbage...
Prostitution would be legal in Flatville by the way. But hookers would have to lie flat on their backs.
I was going to post a video from Family Guy where James Woods follows the candy trail saying, "Ooh! Piece of candy!", but I can't find a clip with video. I love that line. I can't hear someone say "Ooh!" without saying "Piece of candy!'. If you came up to me and said "Ooh, your house is on fire!", my house would burn because I would have been finishing your sentence differently in my head. And that would suck. So if my house is on fire, say something different like, "Dude! Your house is on fire", then I could save it with maybe some 3rd degree burns and some minor hair loss. Hmmm, on second thought, feel free to tell me, "Ooh! Your house is on fire!" I have better home owners insurance.
Here's and interesting fact about me you might not know, I like to guess what people have eaten by sniffing their burps.
Just kidding, but that was a funny thing to say. I crack myself up. That makes for a messed up image though. It's almost tempting to go rush up to someone coming out of a restaurant who just burped, and say, "you had the chowder!?"
You know, everyone thought I would be hurting all over after snowboarding yesterday, but the only thing that hurts is my forearm. Damn you girls gone wild marathon!!!!
OK, our cats scare the shit out of me. Here I am doing a good deed in cleaning up cans, bottles, and bottlecaps (Hey! I have to drink a lot for these blogs, it's for you!) and as I'm taking them to the trashcan which is by the back door a cat jumps up on the window and hangs there. Jesus that scares the crap out of me everytime! You know, some cats meow when they want food, not mine. My cats jump at the fucking door. SPLAT, which apparently translates into feed me you bastard in cat.
Damn internet website squatters! I just had this great idea for a new social networking website called micepace.com, where users would pick some kind of small rodent indentity. There would be games like find the cheese in the maze to play and such, but it's already taken. http://www.micespace.com/ takes you to a website that's a bit different. Check that last one out, and click on "Foundry" and read for enlightenment. By the way, if you are curious about Jackdaws, they are a type of bird simular to a swallow (my favorite bird), and there are 3 types: Eurasian Jackdaws, European Jackdaws, and Western Jackdaws. I don't know how many of them it takes to carry a coconut.
Holy Grail!!!!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9V7zbWNznbs . I used to love the part with the rabbit and the holy hand grenade the best, but over the years I have changed my most favorite part to this. My doctor saw Spamalot in New York, and said that this scene went on for like 15 minutes and he almost passed out from laughing.
Piece, of candy, out
Stop reading this. Go have sex or something. Orgasms are gods way of telling you that you did it right.
Oh, and as usual, I disavow anything that I've "said" and have "done" during a drunk blog. Now, where is my saw...
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