Survey!

I love these things. I don't know why, and I don't really care why I like them. So (taking a deep breath), here I go.

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? My middle name is my dad's first name. My first name means gift of god, and you know what? I goes to show how astute my parents are.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? When my wife stuck her onion fingers in my face and yelled, "smell this you bastard!" (this, by the way, is the kind of stuff that has me banned from her blogs)(by "this stuff" I mean the outright lieing).


3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? I don't have handwriting as much as chicken scratching. I love my signature though, but it's a bit hard to make it out for some people. OK, no one can make out my signature, but that's just because they haven't used the right treatments to bring it out.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAL? When I'm undercover trying to bring down the carny organization from the inside, feeding tips to the IRS and FBI, I always love corndogs and fried Twinkies. In my other life, I love chinese food.

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? Yes, and I am called childish so often I wonder if that makes me a kid too? Could I have myself as a kid? Oh man, then would masturbation be child abuse? OK, that went too far, sorry.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Dude I would be totally having sex with me because where else can you find 10 inches of thick lovin?

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? The question should be can I NOT use sarcasm.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? In an envelope under my pillow. You never know when you might need them again

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? As long as I had a chance to get a close up shot of some serious cleavage.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? I don't eat cereal, but if I did I guess it would be Chocolate frosted sugar bombs.

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? I totally unlace my shoes all the way when I take them off. Like tonsils, you may never know when you will need them.

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? I have to be to be able to carry around my "package"

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Dark chocolate (Ice cream is a gift from the gods and even I won't make fun of it)

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? Cleavage, or, Does this guy have any signs of being a carny.

15. RED OR PINK? Pink, some of my favorite body parts are pink.

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? I can't think of anything. I'm universally loved (except by bastard carnies).

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? Not so much a who, as a what. That would be my left pinky toe. The tooth fairy mistakenly took it from under my pillow one night, at least that what my wife says. Hmmmm, she doesn't look me in the eye when she tells me that story...

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? Wow, I'm putting this out in a public forum. Billions of people could see this. Sure! I might even pick a winner and give them a prize. Oh! The prize could be a brand new tube of toothpaste.

19. WHAT COLOR SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Invisible shoes so that it just looks like I'm only wearing socks.

20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? A garden gnome. I caught the little fucker spying on me (gnomes do work for the carnies). So, I cooked him up and ate him. I also ate half a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I haven't had a PB&J sandwich in a long time.

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? My son begging my wife for some raw roll dough. Musicwise I was listening Presidents of the United States earlier. Ah, Nixon, you had such a great voice. I have to admit, I'm kind of surprised that they sold so many records...

22. IF YOU WHERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Black, and you know what they say about black.

23. FAVORITE SMELLS? I love the smell of crack.

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? A coworker.

25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? I do, and not just because I'm contractually obligated to.

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? Drunk midget tossing

27. Hair Color? Gray free dark blond.

28. EYE COLOR? White, black, and blue with red streaks in the white.

29. CONTACTS? I have many contacts that I use to help take down the carnies and their nefarious plans.

30. FAVORITE FOOD? Italian chicken quesadilla? Pancakes with peanut butter and jelly or coconut syrup?

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Scary movies with happy endings, like when the carny is thrown into a chipper shredder.

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k_QAPjtO2cA

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Green and green

34. SUMMER OR WINTER? Summer, that's when the carnies come out of their holes.

35. HUGS OR KISSES? Depends on what you look like

36. FAVORITE DESSERT? Someones chocolate cake which someone else made for me recently and just the thought of it is making my mouth water. It's not just the cake, but the frosting that goes on said cake.

37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? A certain percentage of the billions that will read this. Most of the responses will be thanking me for changing their lives. So, in advance, you're welcome.

38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? A certain percentage of the billions that should read this. Most of the responses should be thanking me for changing their lives. In advance, you should be welcome, but you are not.

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? How to Defeat Carnies and Influence People. I'm also reading Red Rabbit by Tom Clancy. Tom is not a carny. But the backs of his books can be really creepy. Especially when you are brushing your teeth.

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? A couple of cups, a cordless phone base, some batteries, and some gloves. Oh, my computer is on it also. My mouse pad is a table.

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? A blue screen, I got bored with it after a bit and turned it off.

42. FAVORITE SOUND? The sound of a clicking pen. Especially one that is clicking over and over and over. OMG! My kingdom for a clicky pen! Just kidding. The sound of orgasms, well, female orgasms. Female human being orgasms. Jeez, it's amazing how specific I have to be with the friends I have.

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Beatles, they didn't like carnies either. Mick Jagger and Keith Richards are both carnies. You can tell by Mick Jagger's lips and odd gyrations, and Keith Richards actually died a long time ago, but is kept alive by dark carny magic and a ton of drugs.

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? Hawaii, the only carny free state in America

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? I can make women's eyes pop out by pulling down my pants.

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Earth

47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK? The ones with donations to my Swiss bank accounts.

And I'm spent...