Titles suck

Hey kids, do you know what time it is? It's drunk blog time! YAAAYYYY!!!!!!!!


Tonight's drunk blog is unofficially brought to you by Guinness (in a can with that cool ass miracle widget), and Michelob's Winter's Bourbon Cask Ale). Here are some pics for you illiterate types out there:






Take a good look at that full glass of Guinness cause it's going to be empty soon.

I was thinking back today about this one time, in band camp, I stuck a flute up my, OH HO! I don't think I should share that story! This is a kid friendly blog site! No, but seriously, this one time in band camp... Just kidding. It was at boy scout camp, where boys learn to become men, Catholic Priest style. Reason #982 why I'm going to hell. The low number is because it's a repeat.

Anyway... So this one time in high school, I was working at a restaurant and they told me to take a vacation. I was working a lot, and was getting burned out a bit, so I took their advice. I went to go visit a friend in Nebraska. Nebraska for those of you who haven't been there, is the flattest place on earth. It's so flat, that I was thinking about starting up a town out there, called Flatville. Since I like to have fun, Flatville would have a theme park called the Flatville Follies, with all kinds of two dimensional rides like the scrambler, and, I don't know, tug of war. They would serve pancakes for breakfast, pizza for lunch, and flat iron steaks for dinner. There would be no houses over one story tall. There could be a shoe store that only sold flip flops and flats (which would be the name of said store). And there would be a strong anticarny hiring policy there.

MMMMMM... That was a good batch of beer.

I figured out how to add my profile to the side again, so I put it back and updated it. I saw an add on thing for polls, but a life size pic of my cock won't fit on most peoples screen. Ah, you may laugh, but if we were in a crowded room right now, you could tell who I have slept with by the smiling women in the audience nodding their heads. Which reminds me, my porn name is John Holmes the second, AKA the second coming of John Holmes. Most of my movies have the tag line, "Just when you thought you had more than you can take, he comes again..." OK, that was the beer talking.

Oh, so I went snowboarding this weekend! I had a blast! My only goal was to make it down the beginner slope to the chair lift, and it was "mission accomplished!" See, not everything about George Bush is bad, just ALMOST everything.

I got a nice reciprocal saw for Christmas, but it's been snowing and/or raining since Christmas so I haven't been able to use it yet. It's getting a bit bad now. I'm starting to look at furniture in the house and think, "We don't REALLY need a coffee table do we?" I'm learning though, we still have a coffee table in one piece. For now...

Man, I'm so fat, that while taking a break after falling down snowboarding, some kids came up to me to bet me $10 they could jump over me. It was the most painful $10 I've ever earned.

That reminds me of an old joke I told someone this weekend. This redneck girl and her boyfriend were in his pick up truck starting to get hot and heavy. She moans into his ear, "give me 8 inches and make it hurt", so he fucked her twice and punched her in the face. I told that joke to my first wife and she didn't see the humor. Women...

The second time (I'm always good for a second time...) I was getting ready for the chair lift, this other guy on a snowboard came up and asked me if I had a lift buddy. I said no, so he got in line with me. He talked like I envision snowboarders talking. Making a few snide remarks about skiers, and we talked about different boots and such. He was an opinionated ass, but that just fit in with my image of a snowboarder. When I asked how long he had been boarding he said 3 days. Then it hit me that he wasn't anything like the other snowboarders I talked to who were happy to give me tips and advice on gear and techniques in general. Plus, I got $10 bucks off of one of them, and I think this guy would have flaked out on me when it came to pay out time. He probably was a carny. He did smell a bit like cabbage...

Prostitution would be legal in Flatville by the way. But hookers would have to lie flat on their backs.

I was going to post a video from Family Guy where James Woods follows the candy trail saying, "Ooh! Piece of candy!", but I can't find a clip with video. I love that line. I can't hear someone say "Ooh!" without saying "Piece of candy!'. If you came up to me and said "Ooh, your house is on fire!", my house would burn because I would have been finishing your sentence differently in my head. And that would suck. So if my house is on fire, say something different like, "Dude! Your house is on fire", then I could save it with maybe some 3rd degree burns and some minor hair loss. Hmmm, on second thought, feel free to tell me, "Ooh! Your house is on fire!" I have better home owners insurance.

Here's and interesting fact about me you might not know, I like to guess what people have eaten by sniffing their burps.

Just kidding, but that was a funny thing to say. I crack myself up. That makes for a messed up image though. It's almost tempting to go rush up to someone coming out of a restaurant who just burped, and say, "you had the chowder!?"

You know, everyone thought I would be hurting all over after snowboarding yesterday, but the only thing that hurts is my forearm. Damn you girls gone wild marathon!!!!

OK, our cats scare the shit out of me. Here I am doing a good deed in cleaning up cans, bottles, and bottlecaps (Hey! I have to drink a lot for these blogs, it's for you!) and as I'm taking them to the trashcan which is by the back door a cat jumps up on the window and hangs there. Jesus that scares the crap out of me everytime! You know, some cats meow when they want food, not mine. My cats jump at the fucking door. SPLAT, which apparently translates into feed me you bastard in cat.

Damn internet website squatters! I just had this great idea for a new social networking website called micepace.com, where users would pick some kind of small rodent indentity. There would be games like find the cheese in the maze to play and such, but it's already taken. http://www.micespace.com/ takes you to a website that's a bit different. Check that last one out, and click on "Foundry" and read for enlightenment. By the way, if you are curious about Jackdaws, they are a type of bird simular to a swallow (my favorite bird), and there are 3 types: Eurasian Jackdaws, European Jackdaws, and Western Jackdaws. I don't know how many of them it takes to carry a coconut.

Holy Grail!!!!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9V7zbWNznbs . I used to love the part with the rabbit and the holy hand grenade the best, but over the years I have changed my most favorite part to this. My doctor saw Spamalot in New York, and said that this scene went on for like 15 minutes and he almost passed out from laughing.

Piece, of candy, out







Stop reading this. Go have sex or something. Orgasms are gods way of telling you that you did it right.

Oh, and as usual, I disavow anything that I've "said" and have "done" during a drunk blog. Now, where is my saw...

The High or Low Expectations of Christmas

This is what I was woken up by this very snowy Christmas morning, "OH COOL! A SPIDERMAN WASHRAG!!!". My son was amped up by one of those compressed washrags that expand hugely when moistened. Kind of like something else that I can think of... Anyway, I'm laying there in bed kind of wishing that I hadn't stayed up so late, thankful that the kids slept in this year (7:00), and also thinking that we could have packaged up some gravel and he would have been in love with it. Of course, my son loves gravel, and rocks in general, but you get the idea.

So what are the big hits this year? My son is mostly taken with his transformers, but that's mainly because the battery is still charging on his big RC car. My daughter big present of a cellphone and memory card was a big hit with her. Andrea and I knew what we were getting, though I didn't know about a keychainish size Boggle game (complete with little egg timer) that I think is awesome.

So with that little update, it is time for the daily snowblowfest so we can go do a little more xmas celebrating this afternoon.

Merry Christmas everyone! Happy Kwanzaa!

Don't know what Kwanzaa is? Here is a clip by Karl Malone explaining Kwanzaa:

http://www.jimmykimmel.net/sounds/JimmyKimmelKarlMaloneKwanzaa.zip

I couldn't find an uncompressed link or anything on Youtube, so you'll have to work with that.

9 minutes of my life

My alarm went off at 6:01 this morning. I set it for 6:01 because I know I'm going to hit the snooze for another 9 minutes of sleep. So at 6:10, my alarm goes off again. Hmmmm... Now I start doing math problems. If I hit the snooze again, that would mean getting up at 6:19 which is an odd number, and I don't think I like that. I'm really tired so I hit the snooze again to buy me some time to think about whether or not I want to get up. No one else is up, so why the fuck do I need to get out of bed? Then I remember that we have a fair amount of snow on the driveway. And since my truck is in the shop, and I need to do a lot of driving around today, my Dad is going to chauffeur me around because he rocks. I'm sure that he doesn't want to try and plow through the drifts, so I should get up and go start up the snow blower and clear off my 750-1000 feet of driveway. Yeah, that's the ticket. Still, it only took me an hour and a half to clear it off the last two times, so if he is coming here at nine, and it takes me an hour and a half to clear the driveway (and about 30 minutes to shower and get dressed for work), then I can technically sleep until 7. I look at the clock and it says 6:14. Holy shit! it took me 4 minutes to make it through that train of thought! That's not good. Yet another reason to sleep a little more. Is it enough reason for me to reset my alarm so I don't have to keep hitting the snooze button after nine minutes each time until it's seven? Nahhhh. Plus, experience tells me that just because it normally takes me only an hour and a half to clear off the driveway, this time could take longer. I look at the clock and it's 6:16. Well, 6:10 plus nine minutes means that I need to figure this thing out in the next 3 minutes or suffer Andrea's wrath for having the alarm keep going off. Or I could reset it, but that take a lot of effort, and then I have to remember to reset it before I go to bed tonight... FUCK! I should get up. I should just get out of bed, put my snow gear on, and get out there and clear off the driveway. I look at the clock and it's 6:17. Ok, so my trains of thought aren't taking as long to process. That's a sign that my brain is starting to wake up. For me, once I wake up, I pretty much can't go back to bed for awhile (if at all), so that's another reason to get up. Ok, so I should get up. I repeatedly tell myself that I should get up, then look at the clock. 6:18. Oh shit! I have to commit in 60 seconds or less to getting up or going back to sleep. I fucking hate having to make choices sometimes when I'm not ready to commit to a choice and I don't think I'm really ready to commit to getting up or going back to sleep yet. DAMMIT! I hate being forced to do something! Well, now I'm getting pissed, and that wakes me up enough that I don't think I can go back asleep anyway so I should just get the fuck out of bed and do something productive. And so, before 6:19 rolls around, I get out of bed. I get dressed for working in the snow and the freezing temps, and head out the door to the big dog snow blower. And that is a glimpse of 9 minutes of my life in the morning. And honestly, it's not too different pretty much every morning. There may not be snow clearing to be done, but there is always something there to work with.

Survey!

I love these things. I don't know why, and I don't really care why I like them. So (taking a deep breath), here I go.

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? My middle name is my dad's first name. My first name means gift of god, and you know what? I goes to show how astute my parents are.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? When my wife stuck her onion fingers in my face and yelled, "smell this you bastard!" (this, by the way, is the kind of stuff that has me banned from her blogs)(by "this stuff" I mean the outright lieing).


3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? I don't have handwriting as much as chicken scratching. I love my signature though, but it's a bit hard to make it out for some people. OK, no one can make out my signature, but that's just because they haven't used the right treatments to bring it out.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAL? When I'm undercover trying to bring down the carny organization from the inside, feeding tips to the IRS and FBI, I always love corndogs and fried Twinkies. In my other life, I love chinese food.

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? Yes, and I am called childish so often I wonder if that makes me a kid too? Could I have myself as a kid? Oh man, then would masturbation be child abuse? OK, that went too far, sorry.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Dude I would be totally having sex with me because where else can you find 10 inches of thick lovin?

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? The question should be can I NOT use sarcasm.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? In an envelope under my pillow. You never know when you might need them again

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? As long as I had a chance to get a close up shot of some serious cleavage.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? I don't eat cereal, but if I did I guess it would be Chocolate frosted sugar bombs.

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? I totally unlace my shoes all the way when I take them off. Like tonsils, you may never know when you will need them.

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? I have to be to be able to carry around my "package"

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Dark chocolate (Ice cream is a gift from the gods and even I won't make fun of it)

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? Cleavage, or, Does this guy have any signs of being a carny.

15. RED OR PINK? Pink, some of my favorite body parts are pink.

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? I can't think of anything. I'm universally loved (except by bastard carnies).

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? Not so much a who, as a what. That would be my left pinky toe. The tooth fairy mistakenly took it from under my pillow one night, at least that what my wife says. Hmmmm, she doesn't look me in the eye when she tells me that story...

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? Wow, I'm putting this out in a public forum. Billions of people could see this. Sure! I might even pick a winner and give them a prize. Oh! The prize could be a brand new tube of toothpaste.

19. WHAT COLOR SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Invisible shoes so that it just looks like I'm only wearing socks.

20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? A garden gnome. I caught the little fucker spying on me (gnomes do work for the carnies). So, I cooked him up and ate him. I also ate half a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I haven't had a PB&J sandwich in a long time.

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? My son begging my wife for some raw roll dough. Musicwise I was listening Presidents of the United States earlier. Ah, Nixon, you had such a great voice. I have to admit, I'm kind of surprised that they sold so many records...

22. IF YOU WHERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Black, and you know what they say about black.

23. FAVORITE SMELLS? I love the smell of crack.

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? A coworker.

25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? I do, and not just because I'm contractually obligated to.

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? Drunk midget tossing

27. Hair Color? Gray free dark blond.

28. EYE COLOR? White, black, and blue with red streaks in the white.

29. CONTACTS? I have many contacts that I use to help take down the carnies and their nefarious plans.

30. FAVORITE FOOD? Italian chicken quesadilla? Pancakes with peanut butter and jelly or coconut syrup?

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Scary movies with happy endings, like when the carny is thrown into a chipper shredder.

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k_QAPjtO2cA

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Green and green

34. SUMMER OR WINTER? Summer, that's when the carnies come out of their holes.

35. HUGS OR KISSES? Depends on what you look like

36. FAVORITE DESSERT? Someones chocolate cake which someone else made for me recently and just the thought of it is making my mouth water. It's not just the cake, but the frosting that goes on said cake.

37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? A certain percentage of the billions that will read this. Most of the responses will be thanking me for changing their lives. So, in advance, you're welcome.

38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? A certain percentage of the billions that should read this. Most of the responses should be thanking me for changing their lives. In advance, you should be welcome, but you are not.

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? How to Defeat Carnies and Influence People. I'm also reading Red Rabbit by Tom Clancy. Tom is not a carny. But the backs of his books can be really creepy. Especially when you are brushing your teeth.

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? A couple of cups, a cordless phone base, some batteries, and some gloves. Oh, my computer is on it also. My mouse pad is a table.

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? A blue screen, I got bored with it after a bit and turned it off.

42. FAVORITE SOUND? The sound of a clicking pen. Especially one that is clicking over and over and over. OMG! My kingdom for a clicky pen! Just kidding. The sound of orgasms, well, female orgasms. Female human being orgasms. Jeez, it's amazing how specific I have to be with the friends I have.

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Beatles, they didn't like carnies either. Mick Jagger and Keith Richards are both carnies. You can tell by Mick Jagger's lips and odd gyrations, and Keith Richards actually died a long time ago, but is kept alive by dark carny magic and a ton of drugs.

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? Hawaii, the only carny free state in America

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? I can make women's eyes pop out by pulling down my pants.

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Earth

47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK? The ones with donations to my Swiss bank accounts.

And I'm spent...

Snowblower time!

So we got hit with 6 inches or so of snow here last night, more in some places. I got up this morning and was thankful for my new snowblower. What would normally take me a couple of days and a couple of near heart attacks, took me a little over an hour and a half. It's not perfect, but it is very usable.

Speaking of heart attacks. I had my bluetooth headset on way under my clothing after I bundled up. I thought it would be loud enough to hear over the snowblower, but alas, it was just barely audible. Instead of half stripping down outside to change the volume, I just dealt with it, hearing bits and pieces of the music as background noise more than anything else. So off I went working my way all the way around the horse barn and up the hill to the top of our driveway. I had to go up and down a few times to get the hilly part done. As I was about to head up the hill part of the driveway for the last time (feel the burn!), all of a sudden I hear this screaming voice! It scares the complete shit out of me, and I spin around trying to see what the fuck is going on, or who is fucking with me in a bad way. At about the 180 degree point in my spin, I realize it was a part of a song that was WAY louder than anything else. So I had a little adrenaline giggle, then look around to make sure no one saw my huge spaz attack. It reminded me of Jim Carrey in "The Grinch" after he about loses it on his rocket powered sled and freaks out in a huge way, looks around, and says "almost lost my cool there."

My wife is messed up. Not only did she marry me, which is a sign of her messed upness, she just shoved her hand in my face and said, "Smell my fingers!" This after she had cut up some onions. You know, she also drank a full Bigfoot beer... Makes you wonder. I wonder how much the state pays her to deal with me... That's a lot of ellipses. Ellipsies? Ellipsi? All right, all you grammar nuts out there, bring on the corrections!

So I'll leave you with that, and a tear in my eye (from someone's oniony fingers)...

Reposting, like recycling, is great for writers block

This was a blog entry that I feel is timeless. There are a few of them that I am really proud of, and this is one of them. Since it's been a year since I've posted this on a different blog, I feel no shame in reposting it. Hey! And you're lucky! How many other bloggers have "best of" postings?

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So, in my last blog, I referred to the 12 dwarfs. This confused many people, so let me take the time to explain a few things. First, while Disney only ever let 7 dwarfs onscreen with Snow White, there were really 13, like the Apostles of Jesus. 13!?!? you might be saying to yourself, but let's not forget what most biblical scholars already agree on, and that is that Mary Magdalene was an Apostle of Jesus. Anyone who want to argue that point, fuck off.

Anyway, there were 7 dwarfs with Snow White, and they are: Dopey, Grumpy, Doc, Bashful, Sleepy, Sneezy, and Happy. It amazes me to this day that Disney Let Dopey on the set since he was such a raging heroin addict, but it is Hollywood no matter what the label. There was a female dwarf too, so that brings us to 8.

What about the other 5 you may ask? Well, lets just say they weren't Disney approved characters. Lets think of them like the 5 missing dwarfs, kind of in a similar fashion as the "5th Beetle". And for the first time, here they are:

Number 1 - Herpy. Yes, Herpy was a Herpes carrier. He got it off of a prostitute in Juarez. He had been hitting the local Tequila kind of hard one night, and he was ALWAYS a player, and things just happened (for $2 no less, god bless the prostitutes of Mexico for bringing happiness in at such a low price). Herpy never let any of his partners know ahead of time that he was a carrier, but being a dwarf, he didn't get laid much in Hollywood.

Number 2 - Jewy. Not to be in anyway antisemitic, but Jewy would never let any of the other dwarfs sell any of the jewels that the dwarfs dug up. He never let them spend any money, and he never let them eat any pork. He didn't believe in Christmas either, which was VERY bad for Disney. They wanted the Christmas toy sales, and having a dwarf that didn't believe in the magic of the Christmas gift dollar was just not a good thing for Disney.

Number 3 - Hippy. Unlike the other dwarfs, he quit the film before Disney even had a chance to drop him. He didn't believe in big corp, and Disney is a really big corporation. He thought that the other dwarfs were dumb ass stupid for selling out to Disney. Hippy ended up owning a string of juice bars in Arizona, and did a bit of local civic theatre on the side. He still smokes a TON of weed to this day, and still hates corporations and the government for keeping down the average Joe while killing the Earth.

Number 4 - Shitty. Shitty had two things going against him. First was his name. How can you market ANYTHING with the name Shitty? Second, he was a raging alcoholic. He had 4 DWI's before the film even started filming. Not that that would normally stop a Hollywood company, but he was also being arraigned for 2 homicides from 2 of the DWI's. Even though things hadn't gone to trial yet, Disney couldn't take a chance that he would not be acquitted. He was later caught trying to rob a liquor store, and became "the tiny bitch in cellblock 12". For a pack of smokes, he could bring you happiness just like some of the girls in Juarez.

Number 5 - Danny Devito. No shit, I am totally serious. Danny Devito is the 5th dwarf. Danny was too smart to fall for signing the Disney contract. He stuck with his own plan, and ended up with a role on the TV show "Taxi", did some great film work both acting and producing, and is one of the premier talents in Hollywood. Was he dumb to pass up the huge money that Disney was paying the dwarfs at the time? Hell no he wasn't. Because you still see him, and his work to this day. When do you see any of the others? Unless you are living on Cellblock 12 that is.

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So after reading this, not only was I laughing my ass off, I did find it kind of hard not to edit or add to the post. Like I totally didn't say anything about the female dwarf. I may not have ethical problems about reposting, but I do have a few issues with editing or adding to the reposts. For some reason it is unlike a comic who reuses the same material again and again. That's weird huh? And no, I'm not Dutch.

Sledding

Thanks to the first snow of the year, and some planning ahead, our first sledding of the year was a success! This fall I mowed the sledding hill all the way to the top. That gave us about 500ft of a mostly tall weed and grass free sled run. It's quite a walk up the hill, but it is soooo worth it. We were going farther and faster (and for longer runs) than ever before. There is a nice little hump halfway down the sledding hill that if you hit just right you can catch some air. There is a bit of a drawback though. We do have to be careful of hitting the electric fence, or going into the drainage ditch. Anyway, I went up that hill 4 or 5 times yesterday, and 8-10 times today, and that is my workout for the weekend.

Toothpaste Tubes Part 2

When I told my first wife about the refilling a tube of toothpaste with thing, she said she thought it would be better if we replaced someones regular tube with a gag tube.


HAHA! I said gag tube. Sounds like a new Hollywood diet. Who am I kidding, that's nothing new. Would that make your index finger a gag tube? What would be awesome is someone who wouldn't gag... Giggity giggity

Anyway... Back to the post.

So, I was telling a friend about my wife's idea of replacing someones toothpaste tube with one filled with cake frosting. He didn't quite get it, because he asked me, "wouldn't you get in trouble if someone caught you in their house switching out their toothpaste? What would you say if you got caught? Ummm, Hi. Nice pajamas.". Then I explained that you wouldn't do that to a stranger, you would just do it with someone you knew. Still, that made me think that it might be worth jail time TO switch out some strangers toothpaste.

The idea of going to jail over breaking into some strangers house to swap out their tube of toothpaste with a gag tube (that cracks me up, I'm going to run that into the ground now) kills me, and our conversation goes off onto that subject.

He pontificates on what a conversation in a jail cell would be like, "What are you in for?", "Well...Say, do you like toothpaste?"

Which made me think that prisons could become sponsored by toothpaste companies. "This maximum security prison is brought to you by Colgate, the keep it fresh company!"

Keeping it fresh makes me thinks of the bad things that happen in prison, and how toothpaste would be involved in said bad things. How would that toothpaste commercial go? "Yeah, it burns at first, but I feel so minty fresh afterwards!"

Then my friend pops out with a recommended brand of toothpaste, Colgate Creamer. Oh. My. Goodness. I can see/hear it now. "Colgate Creamer, 2 out of 3 inmates recommend it!"

I'm totally not doing our conversation justice, as you did have to be there. But still, Colgate Creamer...

By the way, if you ever, EVER invite me into your house (or someone who has read this blog), be wary of the tube of toothpaste sitting in your bathroom. Speaking of which, what kind of toothpaste do you use? :)

Toothpaste tubes

First, let me set the record straight in the fact that not every post will be about Carnies or their evilness.



So...



Take a gander at this picture and tell me what you see:




Looks like an empty or nearly empty toothpaste tube doesn't it? Well it is not. Due to some fantastic trickery with quantum mechanics and the space/time continuum, toothpaste makers have figured out how to fit half of the advertised toothpaste volume in that last little cone area. You think you are done, but oh no, it can be used for hundreds more toothbrushings. OK, that's exaggerating a fair bit, but still, my family can go on for a long time once we reached the end. I remember buying new tubes because we were at the "end" of the tube and wondering just how much was left. Then one day I and my family made a pact to push it till we couldn't get anymore out of it. That went on for almost 2 weeks, and we were all blown away that it lasted that long. It's nuts! Makes you wonder though, how many dead bodies could fit in there. (I apologize for the Seinfeld reference).

I wonder how hard it would be to refill an empty toothpaste tube with something else? Like frosting or something else about the same consistency of toothpaste. That would make for a great gag. You'd have to set it up with someone who didn't know you TOO well. Start up a conversation about weird eating habits like the people that like to eat chalk. Then casually mention sheepishly (a little bit of acting will go a long way here) how you have this thing for toothpaste. How you love the taste of it, it's just so amazing. It's better than the time you did smack. Then vigorously pull out your toothpaste tube full of frosting and just empty while you moan like your in an Herbal Essences commercial. Sigh really contendly when you are done. Make sure you leave a little "residue" around your mouth too. Remember, image is important. Oh yeah, I am definitely doing this one. Well, in a couple of weeks anyway judging by the room left in my tube of toothpaste.

You know, I say I am going to do that one, but I don't know if I could pull it off with a straight face EVER.

They are out there...

And they want to take over the world. They have friends in high places (Karl Rove), and low (gnomes). They have weapons of mass destruction (transfat laced junk food with negative nutritional values). Who are they? They, are Carnies! And they have an enemy, which would be me!

I stumbled upon the insidious carny plans many years ago when upon a triple dog dare I snuck into the head carny's mobile shack. What I found amazed me, and changed my life. It was the Big Book of Carnyhood. It was filled with evil ideas and plans. About how to take advantage of young girls and turn young men into evil minions. I was immediately entranced by the boldness and insanity of this book and was reading it for a short time when the head carny of that carny tribe came through the door.

Busted.

There I was holding the Big Book of Carnyhood in front of the head carny. We just stood there for a second or two looking in each others eyes. Waiting to see what the other would do. Seeing who would move first. Since I was about to pee myself, I made a break for it. First I screamed and threw the book down as a distraction (some may have classified the scream as girly, but they can go eff themselves as they weren't there). Next, I jumped out the window. Well, I tried to jump out the window but as I was almost out the head carny grabbed my leg. Then he started pulling on it just as I am pulling yours now.

MUAHUAHUAHUAH!!!!

No but seriously, the carnies do have a Big Book of Carnyhood that has many plans and ideas for enslaving the human race. You have been warned.