So surveys are a constant part of social networking. While they can be a lot of fun, after you do a couple it's basically the same questions over and over again. That can be a real pisser as it goes to show you that your "friends" aren't fucking reading the answers anyway, so what's the point of doing the survey? Even if they do read the survey, it seems kind of invasive. It's like old school text adventure game voyeurism. Like "The Legend of Zork" or The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy" meets some freaky peeping tom. I'm just waiting to get a survey that starts with "What are you wearing?", and ends with "Now take the citrus reamer...". ARGH! That made for a bad image, but I'm a giver, so I share it with you. Anyway, I decided to make up my own survey. I triple dog dare you to post it in the comment section with your answers. Me, I'm doing it right now...
The Official Agent of Chaos Survey
Pick a number between 1 and 50: 23
When was the last time you farted?About 3 minutes ago. Writing while sober makes me gassy.
When was the last time you farted and you were afraid you might of crapped your pants? About 3 minutes ago, I think I had some bad fish.
When was the last time you farted and DID crap your pants?Maybe 3 minutes ago, I'm afraid to check.
Have you ever kissed a carny? And experienced that wonder mix of flavors of Marlboro Red and Mad Dog 20/20? No thank you.
When was the last time you said a cuss word?About 3 minutes ago when I thought I might have lost control of something.
What was the cuss work you said last? Oh fuck.
What is your favorite cussword?Fuck and all of it's derivatives like Fuckity Fuck. The Chile Peppers version of fuckity fuck fuck, fuckityfuckity fuck fuck is a good one too.
Do you pick at your toes when you take your socks off? Oh yeah, I hate toe lint.
What do you think a carny smells like up close? A mixture of Sterno, 3 day old sweat, and bad gingivitis.
Do you keep your fingernails and toenails in a jar like Howard Hughes? You never know when they will come in handy.
Do you prefer compact florescent light bulbs or incandescent light bulbs? LED bulbs.
Mild, Medium, Hot, or OMG Salsa? OMG Salsa, life is to short to wuss out.
The answer to the first question is 23, did you get it right? Fuckin A!
Have you ever snorted coke on the back of a toilet? Yes.
If you answered yes, what the fuck is wrong with you and are you over it? It was part of an undercover anticarny job I was doing. The carbonation and sugar killed my sinuses, but it got me into their clan the weird fuckers.
Is there any food that you think you could eat your weight in? Vienna sausages. JK, my chicken Chile.
If a carny and a garden gnome had a "baby", what would it look like? Dick Cheney
Do you always make sure your partner "Gets their cookie too"? Only when I'm eating Chinese. JK, yes because then you know you did it right.
Have you eaten paste lately?Noff, I woldf neffer do 'hat.
When did you stop sniffing glue? You think I stopped? How the hell do you think I come up with this shit?
Do your parents know that you practice sever S&M? Where did you think I learned some of my "moves" and "techniques"
What is the safety word? Oklahoma of course!
Now that we are ate the end, let's all join in a nice round of: OKLAHOMA, OKLAHOMA, OKLAHOMA!!!!!!
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Monday, January 26, 2009
Some Days
Some days you have it, and some days you don't. And some days you are too tired and drunk even come close. That's ok though! There are a lot of days out there.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
My Wife Is A Lesbian
Well, ok, she said I should be a girl, which in my book makes her a lesbian. Oh crap! What does that make me!? A girl! Shit! Now I am confused! OK, I am obviously not a girl (what girl has a 10 inch cock!?), and my wife is not a lesbian (though if my wife wanted to explore things sexually in that direction I would be a willing participant).
Anywho... My wife and I just finished watching "Say Anything" with John Cusak. I am at best ok with the movie, but there were some disappointing moments throughout. She is offended by my stance. She says that because I am a guy I don't understand or appreciate the love story in the movie. My response is "What fucking love story!?" There is more love story in a girls gone wild video than in this movie. Plus, my wife just admitted she is in love with John Cusaks character in this movie, and as his character is a flaming homosexual who hasn't come to terms with his sexuality hence him going out with this chick. Fuck! I lost my track of thought. My wife also just mentioned that she would like to spend some time in the dryer, which goes to show her mental state, or lack thereof.
You know, this might be a drunk blog. I didn't think I was all that toasted, and was worried that all this diet and exercise and stuff, that I couldn't get drunk anymore, but I think I am finally getting there.
My wife is standing next to me "wanting to drunk blog with me", but I am ignoring her. "She could make it very hard to ignore me, but I am resilient." She is giggling while she is tickling my neck, but it isn't WORKING! Maybe if she blew me. Oh crap, she left to brush her teeth. CRAP! Now she is back reading this and it is awkward. HA! I almost got her to spit out toothpaste! HAHA, she burped while brushing her teeth. I think she should have to rebrush them. I don't know.
Yeah, I am official drunk by the way.
You don't know this since you are reading this, but I have hit the backspace button more than any other button combined. That's how I know how drunk I am.
"There is botox in sperm, let me come on your face." OK, I just made that up, but I am going to use that line one of these days. Feel free to use that yourself, I'm a giver. Of cum. On the face is my speciality!
OOOOOooooo, that hacked off the wife. Now she is gone and this blog is mine, all mine!!!!
hmmmm... So... How are you doing out there? Got a nice blanky, because that is an important part of living a good and healthy life. Same with porn.
Jesus! Is there no sanctity of property! My wife was messing around with my new underwear! Jesus Christ what the fuck is going on here!?
Did I ever post on here that I have bad ADD when I am drinking?
OK. Think. Wife messing with underwear. Oh yeah! I feel positively violated now. And not in a semi unwilling young lad losing his virginity to a hot MILF (like my wife!), but in a semi unwilling young lad losing his virginity in prison to a hot young prison gang member for a pack of unfiltered Lucky Strikes. Fuckin' a I can be long winded sometimes. I love the long sentences, but at the end of them I forget where I was going with them. OK, give me a sec while I catch up on where the fuck I was going with this.......
You know, having my wife wear one of my work shirts while in her underwear doesn't bother me at all, in fact it's about the opposite of bother as you can get, but the thought of my wife wearing my underwear bothers me quite a bit. Not that she did, but her defense earlier was that she didn't wear them or stick her finger through the overlap to the inside of them. Man, I don't know where to go with this.
I hope you are keeping track of this post using a napkin because I am all over the place.
So this "movie", "Say Anything", just bugged the shit out of me. I like the fact that two people who are inherently different fall for each other and look like they are going to have a promising life together forever. At the same time, they have to go through a ton of shit to get to the end point. Why the hell can't we just all skip the bad and trying shit and get to the good point!? Honestly, just own up to the fact that you have a good thing going on (or not going on, but I'm looking at this in a half glass full manner), and skip the stupid testing shit and enjoy what you got!
There was another one of those long sentences that threw me off track.
I was going to do a post where I put of a picture of a snow woman, with the title of, " I frocked her", in tribute to Andrew Dice Clay, but I don't like him outside of a few soundbites. Then I had the idea to take a picture of the hill behind my house since we have tons of frost, and mention that I had won a huge can of flocking during my undercover carny work and punked my neighbor. So call that one of my "almost, but not quite" skit ideas. Though that makes me think of a skit where a guy goes on trial for flocking things. There would be lines like, "yeah, I flocked her. Twice.", and.
yes I always practiced safe flocking by wearing gloves."
The plural of gloves above (like I have two dicks) (which I might,and if you are a hot chick and want to find out, buy me a drink) is why I like to sleep with two women at a time.
Heck, to be honest, the plural of anything is why I like to sleep with two girls at a time. That's the best Menages e' many I believe. Rutabagas, good enough for me to sleep with two women at once!
Man, looking at the title I put to this post I forgot where I started. Something about that semi boring movie we watched tonight that didn't land the ending right.
Anyway... Peace out, and have sex in as many ways as possible to overcome the puritan programming that is instilled in us by the stifling society that we live in, in America. God doesn't believe in limits, neither should you. That's why he made orgasms feel so good.
You know, this movie reminds me of my "to do" list. The list of famous people that I'm not sure I would feel extremely guilty sleeping with if the opportunity arose. That's because my wife thought in the beginning that Jennifer Connolly was in it and she used to be in my to do list. Now it's Anne Hathaway (Call me!!), and Julia Roberts. Jeez, I just realized I am not a big fan of the current run of actresses. I'd do Britney Spears in a one night stand maybe, but with all the shit surrounding her I am not committed to that. Kudos to my wife, she is always on my to do list always! That's a good thing honey, remember it's good for you too as there aren't to many 10 inch cocks around. Tootin' my own horn there as I can with a 10 inch cock, but I don't have to since I have a 10 inch cock. Did I mention that I have a 10 inch cock? I take reservations.... Deposit required in advance, credit cards accepted.
Anywho... My wife and I just finished watching "Say Anything" with John Cusak. I am at best ok with the movie, but there were some disappointing moments throughout. She is offended by my stance. She says that because I am a guy I don't understand or appreciate the love story in the movie. My response is "What fucking love story!?" There is more love story in a girls gone wild video than in this movie. Plus, my wife just admitted she is in love with John Cusaks character in this movie, and as his character is a flaming homosexual who hasn't come to terms with his sexuality hence him going out with this chick. Fuck! I lost my track of thought. My wife also just mentioned that she would like to spend some time in the dryer, which goes to show her mental state, or lack thereof.
You know, this might be a drunk blog. I didn't think I was all that toasted, and was worried that all this diet and exercise and stuff, that I couldn't get drunk anymore, but I think I am finally getting there.
My wife is standing next to me "wanting to drunk blog with me", but I am ignoring her. "She could make it very hard to ignore me, but I am resilient." She is giggling while she is tickling my neck, but it isn't WORKING! Maybe if she blew me. Oh crap, she left to brush her teeth. CRAP! Now she is back reading this and it is awkward. HA! I almost got her to spit out toothpaste! HAHA, she burped while brushing her teeth. I think she should have to rebrush them. I don't know.
Yeah, I am official drunk by the way.
You don't know this since you are reading this, but I have hit the backspace button more than any other button combined. That's how I know how drunk I am.
"There is botox in sperm, let me come on your face." OK, I just made that up, but I am going to use that line one of these days. Feel free to use that yourself, I'm a giver. Of cum. On the face is my speciality!
OOOOOooooo, that hacked off the wife. Now she is gone and this blog is mine, all mine!!!!
hmmmm... So... How are you doing out there? Got a nice blanky, because that is an important part of living a good and healthy life. Same with porn.
Jesus! Is there no sanctity of property! My wife was messing around with my new underwear! Jesus Christ what the fuck is going on here!?
Did I ever post on here that I have bad ADD when I am drinking?
OK. Think. Wife messing with underwear. Oh yeah! I feel positively violated now. And not in a semi unwilling young lad losing his virginity to a hot MILF (like my wife!), but in a semi unwilling young lad losing his virginity in prison to a hot young prison gang member for a pack of unfiltered Lucky Strikes. Fuckin' a I can be long winded sometimes. I love the long sentences, but at the end of them I forget where I was going with them. OK, give me a sec while I catch up on where the fuck I was going with this.......
You know, having my wife wear one of my work shirts while in her underwear doesn't bother me at all, in fact it's about the opposite of bother as you can get, but the thought of my wife wearing my underwear bothers me quite a bit. Not that she did, but her defense earlier was that she didn't wear them or stick her finger through the overlap to the inside of them. Man, I don't know where to go with this.
I hope you are keeping track of this post using a napkin because I am all over the place.
So this "movie", "Say Anything", just bugged the shit out of me. I like the fact that two people who are inherently different fall for each other and look like they are going to have a promising life together forever. At the same time, they have to go through a ton of shit to get to the end point. Why the hell can't we just all skip the bad and trying shit and get to the good point!? Honestly, just own up to the fact that you have a good thing going on (or not going on, but I'm looking at this in a half glass full manner), and skip the stupid testing shit and enjoy what you got!
There was another one of those long sentences that threw me off track.
I was going to do a post where I put of a picture of a snow woman, with the title of, " I frocked her", in tribute to Andrew Dice Clay, but I don't like him outside of a few soundbites. Then I had the idea to take a picture of the hill behind my house since we have tons of frost, and mention that I had won a huge can of flocking during my undercover carny work and punked my neighbor. So call that one of my "almost, but not quite" skit ideas. Though that makes me think of a skit where a guy goes on trial for flocking things. There would be lines like, "yeah, I flocked her. Twice.", and.
yes I always practiced safe flocking by wearing gloves."
The plural of gloves above (like I have two dicks) (which I might,and if you are a hot chick and want to find out, buy me a drink) is why I like to sleep with two women at a time.
Heck, to be honest, the plural of anything is why I like to sleep with two girls at a time. That's the best Menages e' many I believe. Rutabagas, good enough for me to sleep with two women at once!
Man, looking at the title I put to this post I forgot where I started. Something about that semi boring movie we watched tonight that didn't land the ending right.
Anyway... Peace out, and have sex in as many ways as possible to overcome the puritan programming that is instilled in us by the stifling society that we live in, in America. God doesn't believe in limits, neither should you. That's why he made orgasms feel so good.
You know, this movie reminds me of my "to do" list. The list of famous people that I'm not sure I would feel extremely guilty sleeping with if the opportunity arose. That's because my wife thought in the beginning that Jennifer Connolly was in it and she used to be in my to do list. Now it's Anne Hathaway (Call me!!), and Julia Roberts. Jeez, I just realized I am not a big fan of the current run of actresses. I'd do Britney Spears in a one night stand maybe, but with all the shit surrounding her I am not committed to that. Kudos to my wife, she is always on my to do list always! That's a good thing honey, remember it's good for you too as there aren't to many 10 inch cocks around. Tootin' my own horn there as I can with a 10 inch cock, but I don't have to since I have a 10 inch cock. Did I mention that I have a 10 inch cock? I take reservations.... Deposit required in advance, credit cards accepted.
Not really, but my wife might like the extra money. She is my pimpess.
That reminds me, but not really, I am digressing here. I have a "friend"/competitor in a biggest loser contest who said that you gain an inch in penis length for every 30 pounds lost. I think he was just making that up as he has an "inny", and I'm not talking about his belly button. FACE!! Still, I can't imagine my hugeness becoming even huger. The only people smirking or giggling are people that haven't experienced the hugeness of the CARNY KILLER. Which is what the tattoo that I am going to get says one of these days.
Damn, I have to stop. My right eyeball is getting dry from all of this typing.
Now, since you made it to the end of this rambling post, reward yourself, go have some great sex! You know what I say, "an orgasm is gods way of saying you did it right!" And enjoy life! Roll with the punches, and focus on the good things. Have a smile for every person who enters you life, even if for only a little bit. And love the people you love to the fullest!!!!
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Pilate's is Italian for Porn
I always feel a little dirty watching my wife do her Pilate's workout. But the bad music and the weird lady giving directions kind of ruins the mood. Maybe if she shut up and there was a good bass line playing in the background...
I was going to comment on how snow is like flocking, but then I realized how retarded that would be to say. Yes, I was oxygen deprived as a child.
And Mike, yes, the aliens would be seriously interested in the toothpaste in prison...
Hey, if I hit the mute button.... All right, I'm out of here!
I was going to comment on how snow is like flocking, but then I realized how retarded that would be to say. Yes, I was oxygen deprived as a child.
And Mike, yes, the aliens would be seriously interested in the toothpaste in prison...
Hey, if I hit the mute button.... All right, I'm out of here!
Friday, January 16, 2009
The Wonder of Fog
Driving in the fog can be so otherworldly. Like having sex with an alien, though maybe I shouldn't say that because driving in the fog isn't like getting your ass probed... Hmmm... Yeah, I was driving in the fog earlier and my ass doesn't hurt.
You know, sometimes I ask myself where the fuck does this stuff come from and I don't know either.
Anyway, driving in the fog, while I guess it's not like getting anally probed (not that I would know thank you very much), can be so ethereal. You lose track of where you are at, and then the free association part of your mind kicks in and you could be anywhere. I love that about fog. It's like you can almost believe that when the fog clears anything can be out there. Werewolves, Sasquatch eating roadkill, Dick Cheney (drinking the blood of a virgin as he looks up at me with his feral beedy eyes). Then my medication kicks in and all is well. Phew...
Do you think Aliens like prison?
You know, sometimes I ask myself where the fuck does this stuff come from and I don't know either.
Anyway, driving in the fog, while I guess it's not like getting anally probed (not that I would know thank you very much), can be so ethereal. You lose track of where you are at, and then the free association part of your mind kicks in and you could be anywhere. I love that about fog. It's like you can almost believe that when the fog clears anything can be out there. Werewolves, Sasquatch eating roadkill, Dick Cheney (drinking the blood of a virgin as he looks up at me with his feral beedy eyes). Then my medication kicks in and all is well. Phew...
Do you think Aliens like prison?
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Carnies Like Slugs Can Be Killed by Salt
Killed might be too strong of a word, but it got your attention didn't it? I take my guidelines for headlines from the press. By which I mean I lie. Because the press lies. You never hear or read of what the Carnies are up to in the media do you? Speaking of which...
I think the Carnies tried to kill me today. We have a very long driveway at our place, like 1200 ft of driveway. At some point last night the Carnies came out to the big hill part of our driveway and melted the snow on it just enough to make some very thick ice. This morning, I'm in my truck (Thor) going up the driveway to meet with someone at a local hospital to help out when all of a sudden my truck isn't going up the hill anymore. Next, my truck wasn't just not going up, but going down, and not on purpose. Now, we have a picturesque driveway with a nice view to the side. When you are sliding backwards down a hill out of control, that pleasing vista becomes the edge of doom. So there I am, sliding backwards when a stray thought passes by me, "I wonder how many times I can drop an f-bomb in a second?" It turns out to be a pretty impressive number if you have the encouragement of the approaching angel of death.
Have no fear, I'm a tough guy to take out. I eased it gently into the snow bank, then got the truck stuck in a ditch next to the flatter part of our driveway. You know, Thor is a big 4x4 truck, but even it couldn't get out of that one. But I was safe to fight the Carnies another day, and that's the important point.
Oh, and the salt. My amazing wife put some salt down to melt the ice so that we could get the truck out. The salt foiled the icily evil plans of Carnies. Yep, that makes her a freedom fighter. Don't mess with her, she could could take on Wonder Woman. :) Suddenly I hear an early 70's funky bass line...
I think the Carnies tried to kill me today. We have a very long driveway at our place, like 1200 ft of driveway. At some point last night the Carnies came out to the big hill part of our driveway and melted the snow on it just enough to make some very thick ice. This morning, I'm in my truck (Thor) going up the driveway to meet with someone at a local hospital to help out when all of a sudden my truck isn't going up the hill anymore. Next, my truck wasn't just not going up, but going down, and not on purpose. Now, we have a picturesque driveway with a nice view to the side. When you are sliding backwards down a hill out of control, that pleasing vista becomes the edge of doom. So there I am, sliding backwards when a stray thought passes by me, "I wonder how many times I can drop an f-bomb in a second?" It turns out to be a pretty impressive number if you have the encouragement of the approaching angel of death.
Have no fear, I'm a tough guy to take out. I eased it gently into the snow bank, then got the truck stuck in a ditch next to the flatter part of our driveway. You know, Thor is a big 4x4 truck, but even it couldn't get out of that one. But I was safe to fight the Carnies another day, and that's the important point.
Oh, and the salt. My amazing wife put some salt down to melt the ice so that we could get the truck out. The salt foiled the icily evil plans of Carnies. Yep, that makes her a freedom fighter. Don't mess with her, she could could take on Wonder Woman. :) Suddenly I hear an early 70's funky bass line...
Monday, January 5, 2009
Like Father Like Son
My son cracks me up. I'm in the other room and all of a sudden I hear my son, who is going to the bathroom repeatedly proclaim, "FIRE IN THE HOLE!!!!" Me, I'm just praying that whatever is going on, it IS going on in the hole.
This is the same kid, who after arguing with his sister about how to spell otter or odder angrily tells her, "you don't know what a real man is!" He's 6, she's 12, and I'm still laughing at that one. What the hell does knowing what a real man is have ANYTHING to do with the spelling of otter or odder?
This is the same kid who believes in snow ball farms (we've seen them). OK, that one is kind of true. It was some farmland that the wind had blown some snow into clumps, looking like a snowball farm.
This is the same kid, who after arguing with his sister about how to spell otter or odder angrily tells her, "you don't know what a real man is!" He's 6, she's 12, and I'm still laughing at that one. What the hell does knowing what a real man is have ANYTHING to do with the spelling of otter or odder?
This is the same kid who believes in snow ball farms (we've seen them). OK, that one is kind of true. It was some farmland that the wind had blown some snow into clumps, looking like a snowball farm.
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