The F-Bomb Post

I love the word Fuck. It is so versatile. It can mean Holy Crap! What the heck was that!? Did you see what the chick did to that midget! I think I love the word Fuck so much because in writing it out, it pretty much always requires an exclamation point as punctuation. So there you go, another great insight into the fucking mind of a fucking idiot. Kind of like looking at some weird fucking shit in a fuckhole of a drainpipe and discovering the fucking fuckness of all. And you can kiss my ass, I'm copyrighting the term (fuckness of all) AND the (fucking fuckness of fucking fuckall) so if you use it, pay up you fuckers.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

I think my new WTF is Holy Fucking Donkey Dicks. It rolls off the tongue well, and it's just plain fucking fun to say. To be honest, I don't say it out loud often as I don't think the world is ready for it. Fucking pussies.

Which reminds me, Pussy is a GREAT name. I know of many lovable cats and kittens with that name. You fuckers have your mind in the gutters. Course, so do it, and I wasn't really referring to cats. I'm not good with boundaries when I've had a few, and my wife isn't around to keep me under control. :)

Maybe Ted Kadzinsky Had The Right Idea

You know, life can be really complicated. With technological wonders and empowerment comes new responsibilities and obligations. Now it has been proven that people do not do near as well at tasks they focus on individually versus tasks they handle in a multitasking fashion. So technology is just an enabler of an inefficient multitasking state of being. Why do we need this? I'm not necessarily referring to the technology, but to the multitasking/sense of urgency/pressure that comes with the power of technological tools like PDA phones and computers.

(I have a real beef here, but it's hard to communicate when you've had a few. HEHEHE, I said hard.)

Shit, now I'm off that train of thought and into the land of holy anarchy. Maybe if I reread what I wrote, I can get back on track...

Oh yeah, the rushing around, trying to look busy state that most of us are in to get things done and/or LOOK like we are getting things done. Honestly, culturally we need to put more emphasis on critical thinking and taking time to consider our choices and to really comptemplate what choices others make. There is too much hurrying in life nowadays.

So take a chill pill. Have a drink or two. Or three (heck go crazy if you can). Then realize that rushing doesn't help you out, but only creates new problems that will take up your time.

Then go have some good sex, because that also tends to put things in perspective. AND it makes you feel good. AND I, like everyone on this planet whether they admit it or not REALLY LIKES SEX. Remember, orgasms are God's way of proving you're doing it right. Multiple orgasm's are God's way of saying "WAY TO GO DUDE!" Because that's how God rolls. GUY PERSPECTIVE: you know that one time (not neccessarily at band camp, but we'll take it if it applies), where you had that surprise second orgasm that kind of scared you? Yeah, that's what I'm talking about! I don't know how or what would apply from the female perspective except that most women seem to top out at 5 or so orgasms (they seem to run together a bit so it's hard to tell..,. ]:P). Maybe there is an amazing and fabulous SIXTH orgasm? If so, please mention that, like yelling "OH MY GOD, FUCKING SIXTH ME YOU BAD ASS MOTHERFUCKER!" or something along those lines. Communication is the key to happiness right?

OH!!!! I came up with ANOTHER reason to legalize prostitution! I know, I know, I really don't need another reason. But how about this one:

Legalizing prostitution will help people seperate sex from love.

I know! It's one of those DUH things isnt' it! And if anyone has a problem with that, just answer me this... You love your kids/siblings/parents right? Why don't you have sex with them? Because sex and love are NOT the same you dumbasses!!!! Unless you live in the south with a family tree that is a straight line (or a circle, or a dot due to new genetic manipulation abilities). So get over your robot programming and realize that if "God" wanted us to be super careful with who we have sex with, he would make orgasms much, MUCH harder to obtain. And masterbation wouldn't do nothing. Actually, now that I think of it, animal and kiddie porn are reasons to NOT believe in god. Of course God fearing people just claim that those things are caused by "Satan". Being a gnostic (which I can just barely get too from agnostism), that does't really work out for me.

I have no idea what I am saying

No seriously, I have no idea what I am saying right now. All I know is that it's taken me 5 minutes to type these two lines because I have to constantly hit the backspace key.

I'm not feeling very coherent either. I think I have what ADOST (Attention Defict OH SHINY THING) going on.

I am getting ready to go on a trip (not carny related) soon, and it involves camping. Camping is a lot of fun, but being disconnected from the internet for a week is stressing me out, and I'm not even disconnected yet. Hopefully it will turn into a zen experience.

Peace and love all. And I mean physical love, go have sex! Stop reading this and get LAID!!!

Drunken Haiku

Mean people suck

Carnies swallow and gargle

That's how bad they are dude.

Drunken Farmers

So a friend and I were talking about farming and the hot and hard work of doing small farm haying and harvesting. He was telling me about how when he was a teenager, they used to have a nice cold beer (or two, or three..) to help offset the heat of haying and harvesting. By late in the afternoon the guys driving the tractors were swerving in the fields and the guys driving trucks weren't doing a lot better. And if anyone was getting bent out of shape by that, it was "the heat talking", and "why don't you have another beer to cool down".

That got me to thinking, wouldn't it be hilarious if a county Sheriff tried to pull over some guy driving a combine out in the field. I could just see the Sheriff yelling over the loudspeaker to "Pull over or I will shoot out your tires you son of a bitch!" If the guy did get pulled over, it would give new meaning to "Field Sobriety Test".

Can you imagine the conversation that would be?

Farmer: stepping down unsteady from the combine with a lot of empty beer cans falling out with him, "what was I doing Sheriff, speeding?"

Sheriff: "Son, you just mowed down three fencelines and Old Lady Wilkenson's cat you son of a bitch" (All Sheriff's love to use the term "son of a bitch". I know this from watch lots of 70's movies)

Farmer: giggles

Sheriff: Shoots the farmer because he was "resisting arrest"

The End

Bathroom Graffiti

So I'm not technically drunk, but I got a buzz on, and that's the best you can do with Bud Light. :)



So the other day I was in the bathroom at a grocery store, when I looked up and saw this.





Many thoughts passed through my head after seeing this:


"So is it OK with god if I masturbate in other bathrooms?"


"Would I get to pick the three kittens?"


"You know, I don't really like kittens all that much anyway."


"Who or what gets it if I do something more than masturbate?"


"If I masturbate twice do SIX kittens die?"


"You know, I don't really like kittens all that much anyway."


I had that thought twice, if you are keeping track. Anyway, at some point I decided that since I'm either A, a gnostic, or B, an agnostic, this graffiti didn't mean shit to me, but a way to mentally masturbate (so to speak anyway), and I wonder if any kittens die if you even just think about it.


You know, if god is against masturbation, does that mean god is pro-prostitution or just that the whole concept of monogamy is a cultural affectation for us? (re-reading this, I realize that I did some big jumping ahead here, but I don't care)


OH! Maybe instead of "combing our hair" you can say "I'm killing the kittens" as a code phrase for masturbation. Seriously, try it out next time someone is pounding on the bathroom door. Five bucks says it will get whoever is pounding on the door to stop bugging you and leave you to our own pounding.


Yep, as always I'm a giver of ideas and enlightenment.


You know, "American beer" may not be as strong as "micro brews", but if you drink enough, you still get to the "how the fuck did I end up here" phase of drinking. Which is where I am now.


And for one reader out there, I would like to point out that I didn't mention my penis once in this blog, and this sentence doesn't count.


Remember, orgasms are gods way of telling you did it right(but if you did it alone, apparently that kills 3 kittens).

WTF!!!!

How the hell did I end up back here!?

SHIT!!!!!

I thought I had gotten all of that crap out of my system. Apparently not. Man... It's not like anyone reads this. I don't know why I bother. Well, I bother because of selfish reasons, but still.... That's subconsious so I don't know why still, the fact, that I bother at all, putting up these posts, in the insanely grammatically incorrect way that i do;

I had a twitter spoof for you, but I am too lazy to post it. And cantankerous. Cantankerous doesn't need a salve like you would think, but it does need a freaking bar or liqour store within walking distance of the hotel that it is staying at!

I am wiped out, and busted. For being a fraud. For causing stress. For being an AGENT OF CHAOS, YEAH BABY!!!!!

Remember Confusious say, don't run out of good drink or you will suffer.

FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCK FUCK FUCK

blah blah blah

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And unlike real life, I don't get paid per inch....

I WISH though!! I'd be a freakin millionaire!