What to do, what to do...

So there you are, in your apartment trying to enjoy some nice TV when all of a sudden this insane banging threatens to drop the ceiling in from the apartment above. Your neighbor is getting lucky in a big way, but it's annoying for you because one, you AREN'T getting lucky, and two, you are just trying to watch some nice TV.

What to do, what to do...

First, don't bang on the ceiling, or go up and interrupt. That would set the stage for a bunch of badness that you will never recover from. Remember, god likes it when we orgasm and if you mess it up for something petty like watching TV, your genitals will fall off.

Do something creative. Go up immediately afterwards and offer them a plate of cookies. Or Gatorade, that would be very appropriate after something like that. If you have friends with you, score the event then go upstairs, knock on the door, and flip up the score cards.

Or go up afterwards and see if it's your turn yet.

See, there are lots of possibilities.

Haloween Costumes

I had a couple of good ideas for Halloween costumes this year. My first idea was to dress up as the Easter Bunny and go around with my basket of eggs and yell at people to "EAT MY EGGS DAMMIT! EVERY YEAR YOU TAKE THEM BUT YOU NEVER EAT THEM YOU LITTLE FUCKERS! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH TIME I SPEND MAKING THESE DAMN THINGS! ARRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!" Then when the kids run away I'd chase them and throw my eggs at them. Before you get all up in arms, it would be plastic eggs filled with candy, so that would make me a giver right?

The other idea I had was to dress up as a monkey. I figure you can get away with a LOT of crap if your dressed up as a monkey right? I'd carry around a lot of unwrapped Baby Ruth's and chuck them at people that pissed me off. I could hump anyone and anything I wanted too and people would be all, "Wow, that guy is really into the monkey thing."

Another idea I had would be to dress up as one of the 5 forgotten dwarfs. That would be good if you went as Herpy. You could hang out with an ex of your and tell everyone that meet that you are part of their package. I don't know how you'd dress up as Danny Devito, but that would be cool if you could pull it off. Did I post that blog entry about the 5 dwarfs? Shit, if I didn't this won't make any sense... Crap, I'm thinking and typing, and I can't stop! MARGRET THATCHER NUDE!


ok, that worked for that problem too. Need to remember that.


If I REALLY wanted to dress up in a scary costume I would of course dress up as a drunk carny. Yes, I know that is an oxymoron, but there it is. Then you could cuss out all of the little kids for running around, drink a little ripple out of a paper bag, and hurl corn dogs at people that mock you. Jeez, like a monkey you could get away with a lot things with that costume too.

These seem kind of boring though. What would be really spectacular? Giving out candy as Michael Jackson? That would be just plain wrong and not very funny. Although if you went as Michael Jackson, and a friend went as a catholic priest, that would be funny to see people's reactions.

I heard of someone dressing up as garden gnomes for Halloween. I wouldn't advocate that. That's a good way to get yourself shot, or hurled at random other things.

I could dress up as Oscar the Grouch! Wait, that might traumitize the little kids... I'm not cool with that.

Now going out with a friend as gay Bert and Ernie...

I'm now the head of the ACLU

You heard it hear first! I am now head of the ACLU. My job is to help direct the fight against injustice brought forth deranged carnies. As head of the Anti Carny Leagues United I will direct the coordinated actions to subdue the carnies nefarious plans to take over the world. It's a proud moment in my life! We will work on better armor against corn dog grenades. The days of fearing the toxic breath of a drunk carny are limited.

The F-Bomb Post

I love the word Fuck. It is so versatile. It can mean Holy Crap! What the heck was that!? Did you see what the chick did to that midget! I think I love the word Fuck so much because in writing it out, it pretty much always requires an exclamation point as punctuation. So there you go, another great insight into the fucking mind of a fucking idiot. Kind of like looking at some weird fucking shit in a fuckhole of a drainpipe and discovering the fucking fuckness of all. And you can kiss my ass, I'm copyrighting the term (fuckness of all) AND the (fucking fuckness of fucking fuckall) so if you use it, pay up you fuckers.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

I think my new WTF is Holy Fucking Donkey Dicks. It rolls off the tongue well, and it's just plain fucking fun to say. To be honest, I don't say it out loud often as I don't think the world is ready for it. Fucking pussies.

Which reminds me, Pussy is a GREAT name. I know of many lovable cats and kittens with that name. You fuckers have your mind in the gutters. Course, so do it, and I wasn't really referring to cats. I'm not good with boundaries when I've had a few, and my wife isn't around to keep me under control. :)

Maybe Ted Kadzinsky Had The Right Idea

You know, life can be really complicated. With technological wonders and empowerment comes new responsibilities and obligations. Now it has been proven that people do not do near as well at tasks they focus on individually versus tasks they handle in a multitasking fashion. So technology is just an enabler of an inefficient multitasking state of being. Why do we need this? I'm not necessarily referring to the technology, but to the multitasking/sense of urgency/pressure that comes with the power of technological tools like PDA phones and computers.

(I have a real beef here, but it's hard to communicate when you've had a few. HEHEHE, I said hard.)

Shit, now I'm off that train of thought and into the land of holy anarchy. Maybe if I reread what I wrote, I can get back on track...

Oh yeah, the rushing around, trying to look busy state that most of us are in to get things done and/or LOOK like we are getting things done. Honestly, culturally we need to put more emphasis on critical thinking and taking time to consider our choices and to really comptemplate what choices others make. There is too much hurrying in life nowadays.

So take a chill pill. Have a drink or two. Or three (heck go crazy if you can). Then realize that rushing doesn't help you out, but only creates new problems that will take up your time.

Then go have some good sex, because that also tends to put things in perspective. AND it makes you feel good. AND I, like everyone on this planet whether they admit it or not REALLY LIKES SEX. Remember, orgasms are God's way of proving you're doing it right. Multiple orgasm's are God's way of saying "WAY TO GO DUDE!" Because that's how God rolls. GUY PERSPECTIVE: you know that one time (not neccessarily at band camp, but we'll take it if it applies), where you had that surprise second orgasm that kind of scared you? Yeah, that's what I'm talking about! I don't know how or what would apply from the female perspective except that most women seem to top out at 5 or so orgasms (they seem to run together a bit so it's hard to tell..,. ]:P). Maybe there is an amazing and fabulous SIXTH orgasm? If so, please mention that, like yelling "OH MY GOD, FUCKING SIXTH ME YOU BAD ASS MOTHERFUCKER!" or something along those lines. Communication is the key to happiness right?

OH!!!! I came up with ANOTHER reason to legalize prostitution! I know, I know, I really don't need another reason. But how about this one:

Legalizing prostitution will help people seperate sex from love.

I know! It's one of those DUH things isnt' it! And if anyone has a problem with that, just answer me this... You love your kids/siblings/parents right? Why don't you have sex with them? Because sex and love are NOT the same you dumbasses!!!! Unless you live in the south with a family tree that is a straight line (or a circle, or a dot due to new genetic manipulation abilities). So get over your robot programming and realize that if "God" wanted us to be super careful with who we have sex with, he would make orgasms much, MUCH harder to obtain. And masterbation wouldn't do nothing. Actually, now that I think of it, animal and kiddie porn are reasons to NOT believe in god. Of course God fearing people just claim that those things are caused by "Satan". Being a gnostic (which I can just barely get too from agnostism), that does't really work out for me.

I have no idea what I am saying

No seriously, I have no idea what I am saying right now. All I know is that it's taken me 5 minutes to type these two lines because I have to constantly hit the backspace key.

I'm not feeling very coherent either. I think I have what ADOST (Attention Defict OH SHINY THING) going on.

I am getting ready to go on a trip (not carny related) soon, and it involves camping. Camping is a lot of fun, but being disconnected from the internet for a week is stressing me out, and I'm not even disconnected yet. Hopefully it will turn into a zen experience.

Peace and love all. And I mean physical love, go have sex! Stop reading this and get LAID!!!

Drunken Haiku

Mean people suck

Carnies swallow and gargle

That's how bad they are dude.