Drunken Farmers

So a friend and I were talking about farming and the hot and hard work of doing small farm haying and harvesting. He was telling me about how when he was a teenager, they used to have a nice cold beer (or two, or three..) to help offset the heat of haying and harvesting. By late in the afternoon the guys driving the tractors were swerving in the fields and the guys driving trucks weren't doing a lot better. And if anyone was getting bent out of shape by that, it was "the heat talking", and "why don't you have another beer to cool down".

That got me to thinking, wouldn't it be hilarious if a county Sheriff tried to pull over some guy driving a combine out in the field. I could just see the Sheriff yelling over the loudspeaker to "Pull over or I will shoot out your tires you son of a bitch!" If the guy did get pulled over, it would give new meaning to "Field Sobriety Test".

Can you imagine the conversation that would be?

Farmer: stepping down unsteady from the combine with a lot of empty beer cans falling out with him, "what was I doing Sheriff, speeding?"

Sheriff: "Son, you just mowed down three fencelines and Old Lady Wilkenson's cat you son of a bitch" (All Sheriff's love to use the term "son of a bitch". I know this from watch lots of 70's movies)

Farmer: giggles

Sheriff: Shoots the farmer because he was "resisting arrest"

The End

Bathroom Graffiti

So I'm not technically drunk, but I got a buzz on, and that's the best you can do with Bud Light. :)



So the other day I was in the bathroom at a grocery store, when I looked up and saw this.





Many thoughts passed through my head after seeing this:


"So is it OK with god if I masturbate in other bathrooms?"


"Would I get to pick the three kittens?"


"You know, I don't really like kittens all that much anyway."


"Who or what gets it if I do something more than masturbate?"


"If I masturbate twice do SIX kittens die?"


"You know, I don't really like kittens all that much anyway."


I had that thought twice, if you are keeping track. Anyway, at some point I decided that since I'm either A, a gnostic, or B, an agnostic, this graffiti didn't mean shit to me, but a way to mentally masturbate (so to speak anyway), and I wonder if any kittens die if you even just think about it.


You know, if god is against masturbation, does that mean god is pro-prostitution or just that the whole concept of monogamy is a cultural affectation for us? (re-reading this, I realize that I did some big jumping ahead here, but I don't care)


OH! Maybe instead of "combing our hair" you can say "I'm killing the kittens" as a code phrase for masturbation. Seriously, try it out next time someone is pounding on the bathroom door. Five bucks says it will get whoever is pounding on the door to stop bugging you and leave you to our own pounding.


Yep, as always I'm a giver of ideas and enlightenment.


You know, "American beer" may not be as strong as "micro brews", but if you drink enough, you still get to the "how the fuck did I end up here" phase of drinking. Which is where I am now.


And for one reader out there, I would like to point out that I didn't mention my penis once in this blog, and this sentence doesn't count.


Remember, orgasms are gods way of telling you did it right(but if you did it alone, apparently that kills 3 kittens).